unspoken words

failure

every day I am reminded
reminded that I'm probably going to end up a failure
reminded that I am a good for nothing teenager
reminded that I am selfish and don't think of others
reminded that I'm not with you
all of these are wrong.
except the last one
it's so cheesy to say
because of the length of time I've known you
but when we were together you made me forget how much of a failure I am
no one ever does that for me
everyone is a constant reminder that I'm a good for nothing loser
I hear it from my parents nearly every day
they are proud of me I know
but they constantly talk about how I am wasting my time with stupid shit
my friends make me feel like shit
I know how could they be friends if they do that but they are all I got
they constantly berate me for "how I'm acting"
make me feel as if I'm a burden in all their lives
and their doing me a favour for keeping me around
I never feel welcomed anywhere anymore
I never feel needed
and once again you had to come along and fuck that up
you made me feel something I've never felt before
you even saw the sadness in me
"why are you acting so weird" you said holding me into your chest
"I'm sorry. I'm just not used to people actually wanting me."
"well I want you"
was that a lie
another lie that has been told to me just to get something from me at that specific moment
I bet you don't even realise what you did to me
you don't even know the little affect you had on my heart
I think about you
every.
single.
fucking.
day.
and I can't stop.
I can't stop thinking about how you would look at me
then i wonder if it was all fake
it might not have been fake at the time
but did I really make it that easy to just walk right in and out of my life
I wish
boy do I wish to go back and stop myself from giving you the power you have over me
I'm constantly being told to stop and just let go
do you honestly think I haven't tried that
I have panic attacks at night because my mind is telling my body to do one thing but my heart is preventing that
and I go into shock
and I can't help it
there is physically nothing I can do anymore
and I hate myself each day for it
the crazy thing is I'm literally here barely surviving normally without you and I bet you totally forgot about me
at least that's exactly how you make it seem
sorry for wasting your time
I wish I could have done more for you
but even then would you have stayed?
probably not
because everyone eventually leaves
no matter how much they claim to love you