unspoken words

insanity

I'm going insane
my mind is going 1000 miles per hour but my body is only registering 1/4 of that
i dont know what to do anymore
so many things have happened that made me think of you
i dont want to think of you
ever
i cant
and the reason why is because you're slowly breaking me
you dont know it but your tearing me apart
piece by piece
its not your fault
it never was
its my fault
im insane
so many things have happened in the past couple weeks that has made my mind go through a fucking ringer
i can't sleep because i know what is going to happen when i close my eyes
I'm going to see you
i can't see you
if i see you then a million and one things start to rush back
all the feelings come back into my heart and i can't have that
I'm stupid
i knew you for seven fucking days and i gave you everything i had
i thought you gave me part of you as well but it seems to me that the part you gave was dispensable
because you found someone else and gave her everything you have
she probably doesn't even appreciate it either
she is so fucking lucky
i wish i could just say hi
but i can't
the last time we talked was February 19, 2016
i remember vividly how my heart felt every time i saw a message from you
i can't go through that again
i would go insane
even more insane than i am going right now
i just need some answers
answers that i am never going to receive
i remember being a little girl and hearing stories about teenage girls crying over boys and thinking they were stupid to let a boy have so much of an impact on their life that they would let themselves cry over them
well here i am
why
i knew him for seven fucking days
it hurts me that the universe wants me to get so fucked up that i can't function or do daily activities without my heart feeling like it is being tugged in a million different directions
he is my drug
i was sober for a year and then all of a sudden i need a relapse
the problem is i dont have anything to get my fix
he holds the drug
heck he is the drug and i know for a solid fact that i am never going to get what i need
just to see him again
to feel his hands on my back
to feel his lips against mine
one more time
is all i need
just to see his eyes boring into mine once again
feeling like i was the reason the sun came out
feeling wanted and needed by someone
he made me feel something that no-one else has made me feel
does he even know the effect he had on me
does he care
if i could just see him one more time
because one minute with him is better than a lifetime without him