The Distance of Love

Chapter 17: What am I ? Who am I ?

It was a week after ths grad party and Matthew and I were talking most if the week over text which we have had to do for a long period of time. My mother asked me a question that particular Thursday and said " Why can't you and Matthew talk normally over the phone instead of over text?" I explained to her that we would have to be listened in on by one of his parents and that makes us both very uncomfortable. She understood what I meant .I told Matthew what my mother asked later that night and he suggested we do a video chat once a week after his parents have settled down for the night. We had our very first video chat that night and I loved it I had slept better than what I has any other night because I got to express my feelings openly to him the best I could. Where most people will say things over text they can't say in person I am the exact opposite. We talked about things we can't normally say over text message. It really helped me a lot being able to hear his voice for the first time since the party.

The night after was a different story though I was up all night and could not sleep at all. My parents brought up to me the fact that the steak that I made for dinner was a little under done and it slightly made me upset because of the fact that undercooked meat is a giant mechanical error when cooking I was told the flavors were great just watch the meat as it cooks more carefully next time. I understood and my father also said you are great when it comes to baking but that isn't all cooking is. I say to him it seems like all that I am good at. He then said back you do great but you don't want Matthew to cook for you all time when you are older do you. I simply say no but in my mind I was thinking to myself of course I don't I know how to cook but having someone do it for me would make me feel weak. I don't know why I hold on to culinary arts so much yes I know I love doing it but I feel like I make so many mistakes to where I never am as good as people say I am and I don't take critsizam well at all. So to make an error like I did made me feel so low like I had no idea what I was even doing why I pushed myself to continue. Then I remembered it is because I love to do it. I rarely admit thus but I will admit it now I am actually very competitive. It doesn't matter who you are I strive to be better than you. Matthew probably never knew it but when he told me he was going into culinary arts. I loved the idea but I also felt like he became slightly my rival because anything he did I for some unknown reason that even I don't is that I felt the need to top him. I feel bad looking at it that way now. I just have to accept that I may be good in culinary arts but I only learned through being a screw up I am partially self taught partially not so yes I do mess up a lot. I just hope Matthew doesn't look down on me for this because I already look at myself as a screw up even if I only screwed up once out of one hundred times I look at the bad and not the good so I hope he understands that.