Chapter 15 (Part 1)
-Beyoncé
Wednesday, July 10
Dear Diary,
I know I haven't wrote in a while, but it's only because I've been so busy with work and stuff. But, I promise to do better. A lot in my life has changed since the last time we've talked.
How do you tell someone nicely that you don't want them living with you? Do you just give them the house and move out, or do you just tell them to get out.
I know Solange is my sister and Aubrey is my niece but I've already had enough of them. Monday, after I got back from the hospital, my kitchen was in a mess. Dishes were stack to the ceiling and the trash was over flowing. Then, Aubrey thinks it's ok for her to use the bathroom and leave the light on. In and out in and out. Light on...burning away my pay check. I'm seriously thinking about leaving them here and moving into a house. Solange and Kelly could just have this condo.
Anyway, I don't know what made me talk to Mrs. Carter. Talking to her was probably the hardest thing I had to do. It was embarrassing and sometimes I wish my own mother was here. I was thinking about going back down to Houston for a week, you know, to humble myself. I just really all of a sudden miss my mom. I really feel like I need her.
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*Monday
Mrs. Carter took a seat in the waiting room and I sat next to her.
"What do you want to talk about?" She asked with a smile. A smile that's extremely contagious. I couldn't help but smile back at her.
"How did you know when you were ready to be a mom."
She chuckled. "I didn't know. Shawn was definitely a surprise. He wasn't planned."
"So it just kind of happened?"
"So did what kind of happen?"
"Your mother instincts, did they just kick in?"
"She laughed a little, but I'm serious. "Yea. Are you planning to have a child soon?"
"No..maybe...not a child of my own. That little girl in there is in there because she had an anxiety attack. She wants me to adopt her, but I'm not sure if I'm ready. I have a lot of problems of my own that I'm still working out. I'm grown but I don't know if I'm mature enough."
"Listen, no one is ever ready for a child. I mean people can plan all they want to and still not be ready.
What is being ready? Being financial stable? It takes more than money to raise a kid. When I had Shawn, I was still in school and I was only 17. I definitely wasn't mature enough, but when I had him, I knew I had to grow up for him. All of a sudden my problems didn't matter. All that matter was that little boy with those big brown eyes." She paused for a moment and smiled. "Let me asked you this Beyoncé, what's your favorite part of your job?"
"Being able to help people."
"How many people have you helped?"
"I don't know. I mean I see a lot of kids everyday and I help them as much as I can but I never really know if my treatment is helping. I mean a lot of the parents seem impressed but I never really know."
"What would make you really happy?" She asked and I just thought for a minute.
"I guess knowing for a fact that I at least helped one person would make me happy."
Mrs. Carter nodded. "I'm not telling you what to do, but if you really love that girl in there, take her home. But, don't do it because you feel sorry for her, do because you love her. And don't do if you're not ready. I mean our situations are a little different. I didn't have a choice, you do. I just know that if I had to do it all over, I would do it the exact same way. I love being a mom. It was hard at first but it's the best job in the world."
