We Watched the City Burn

Chapter 30

CH 30

I slunk into first hour, reporting to the teacher’s desk to pick up my work from my days spent in the hospital; his pitying glance makes me want to rip my own skin off. This time, the bruises from His last attack can be seen on my face, ugly fading yellow and green patches cross my cheeks and spill onto my neck. I feel every single person in the room staring at me as I sink into my desk, pulling the sleeves of my hoodie over my fingers. Ferdinand swims slowly in circles, tasting the air to see if it’s safe to come alive again.

Thankfully the lessons begin, and most of the intruding eyes turn from me to the board, and I can relax just enough to breathe. I’m praying that no one tries to speak to me, if they do I may stroke, or explode. Or both all at once…

I manage to take down notes on the lecture, while jumping at every single cough, vocal outburst, or any other noise that erupts in the room. I can feel my neighbors eyeing me like I might just start flipping out, tearing my hair out, clawing at my skin. As appealing as it sounds to remove my skin, the return trip to the ER would be hell, besides, I don’t think I could handle any more questions about what happened to my body.

Everyone treated it like it was their business; but I couldn’t really do anything but answer, considering the fact that they were my doctors and nurses. Besides, what sort of story can you think up that explains broken bones, bruises and obvious signs of rape? Nothing that anyone in their right mind would believe, I can tell you that right now.

When the bell goes, and everyone around me leaps from their seats, escaping from the room as fast as possible, I can’t will my body to move. It seems as though my bones have turned to stone, I’ve lost control of my body, and my mind is spinning in circles. Maybe I’ve finally lost it, maybe I’ve finally lost that last whisper of sanity that clung to me like needy toddler. As I ponder the idea that I’ve finally flipped my wagon, I feel a warm hand on my arm.

I look up slowly, seeing Aurora eyeing me tenderly, telling me silently that it’s time to move now. I blink and slowly list my heavy body out of the chair and follow her out of the room; she escorts me to my next class, telling me she’ll meet me here when the bell rings. She must have gotten permission from the front office to act as my body guard, either than, or to make sure I don’t pull any sort of escape acts.

I gather my make-up work from the front desk, and ooze into the background, content to be unseen, never noticed. I stare at the desk in front of me, battling the memories that claw at me like hungry wolves. His fists flying at me, his boots kicking me again and again; watching the blood pool across the sheets after he stumbles out of my room for the night…

I don’t see how any of this can matter, this life, and the course that I’m expected to follow has no bearing on me anymore. That life has long since been lost to me; He took it away from me the very first night he crawled into my bed and told me to stay quiet.

Nothing they teach me here can answer the two most important questions in my life: Why did she leave, and why did he blame me?

I know that dwelling on this is only going to make things worse, but how am I supposed to think about anything else? This is my life, as sad as that fact is, and this is what matters to me. This is who I am; how can I possibly worry about college and grades and homework, when I have shit like this riding on my back.

No one ever said that life would be easy, but no one ever warned me that it would be this painful.