We Watched the City Burn

Chapter 23

Aurora stomped into the room, a woman on a mission, her eyes ablaze and breathing fire. At least, she was until she took in the sad, bruised, medicated sight of me laying there, the annoying beep of the monitor reminding me that my heart was still beating even though it didn't deserve to. I knew that it was His fault, he was beating me, and now they knew about it. He was getting what had been coming to him for years.

But, emotions aren't logical. Guilt is the most immune.I feel so guilting that its sicking into my bones, and I worry that I may never get away from it. You don't escape from emotions this all-consuming; they eat and eat at you like some kind of disease. A human disease that's going to kill us all.

I didn't look at Aurora when she came in, going on and on about how my father was this evil bastard and that he should burn in hell for putting me here, and for ever laying a hand on me to begin with. I agreed with her, to a point, but I can only curse him so many times before the 'He's my father' instinct kicks in.

instead, I studied the lazy, gray and gross wallpaper like it was the most engrossing novel ever compiled. She called my name, but I didn't move, to let her know I was still awake I waved at her with a limp, tired wrist, letting it flop back to my waist.

Aurora, the bright girl that she is, put it together that there were some things that were better left unseen, so, rather than trying to look me in my swollen eyes and ruined face, she takes my limp and and holds it tightly. Like I'm going to float away. But I can't tell her that with Him gone, my secrets are useless, therefore I cannot escape.

But, with  Him gone, is there really a need to escape? What more do I have to run from? The monster has been taken from me, his teeth yanked from my skin and I can scamper away, tail tucked and free.

Free is unknown, free is alone. 

But how can I be alone, when I have my star here with me, keeping me here, keeping me from running away afraid. True I wasn't alone, but it sure as hell felt that way, no mother or father to sit, worrying at my bedside. I wanted her to be here, to hurt him for hurting me. I wanted her to yell, to curse and shove.

I wanted her to flash her teeth and mom claws, I wanted her to care for me and kiss my wounds, like I still matter to her. Like, even though she left me, she still loves me and worries of me keep her up at night. All night, every night. I want to believe, more than anything in this world that my mother is still thinking of me and missing me like her own heart was stolen from her. 

I wanted ehr to yearn for me like I did her. I wanted her to just come back, and bring back some whisper of stability to my chaotic hurricane of a life. I want a safe harbor that disappear into the fog when I need it most.

I need someone to touch me like I'm made of glass, like I'm the center of the universe. Not the love that fades, not the kind that burns bright then dies. The long, smoldering flame of a mother''s love for her child.

~

Aurora is picking through my meal, commenting on the fact that her mother's food is what I really need to get better. Olimpia questions me about legal things, wants details of my own personal hell like it's the making of a novel for entertainment sakes. Every time she stomps in, in her loud shoes, I want to give her the boot and tell her that my life is none of her business.

But, I scribble out answers to her questions, rapid fire, tangled and marred. My mind flips and spins, twisting and screaming even when I'm not sleeping. I feel like I'm losing my mind, but I'm waiting for that glorious moment when I drop off the map and forget that I'm insane.

Anything would be better than this middle ground, No Man's Land of half-sanity. When the pain is new and fresh, still in the front of your mind and you can think of nothing else. But, after enough time passes and the pain becomes unpleasant background noise. You forget what it was like not to be hurting, the stiff muscles and a dizzied mind. 

I can remember what it was like when everything was fine, when I was strong, shapr and on top of my game. It's those memories that hurt more than anything,  the taunts of times past. Thing I had at one time, but can never reach again.

I just want to forget. More than anything, I want to forget what it was like to be sane.