We Watched the City Burn

Chapter 17

Sleepless nights. So many nights, I've stared at ceilings, trying to sleep, trying to escape. I wish I could escape now. But I'm trapped here, in this house that I don't know, sleeping on the pull-out sofa bed of the girl who tried to kiss me. Who I wanted to kiss. But...I thought of Him instead. Him and all of those terrible, evil and sick things he does to me. That's all I know of that world. I know that tender, loving advances exist somewhere, but not for me. I've seen them, but never felt them.

If I had let Aurora kiss me tonight, with His image in my head, it would ruin everything. I know I hurt her, and that's what is keeping me awake now. I wonder if she's curled up in bed, crying, or staring away like I am, lost in thought. Maybe, maybe she might even be asleep. I couldn't be sure. There was no way for me to know until morning. Morning scared me in a lot of ways, but part of me also couldn't wait to get out of here. Into the air, so I could walk, breathe and just be.

I pull the warm blankets over my head, shutting myself in with my body heat, feeling the steady, stubborn thrumming of my heart. Even on the days when I willed it to stop, it marched on. I wonder what my heart is made of; something strong enough to get me through those nights and beatings alive, but soft enough to let me feel how I do about the girl in the other room.

How do I feel about her, exactly? I'm attracted to her, that goes without saying. But do I love her? No. I don't know enough about her to love her. I guess love at first sight happens sometimes, but it didn't happen for us. I'd have to get to know her before I started cutting crooked hearts out of pink construction paper.

Did I like her? What is the definition of 'liking' someone. It's a golden ticket, one that takes you straight away to Couplesland, or the World of the Friendlisted. Clearly, the latter is the one everyone tries to avoid. But, were there requirments for liking someone? Like a check list of symptoms of liking someone? Blushing, stuttering, attraction, laughing at everything they said. All I had to go on was what I saw at school or in movies; and, honestly, niether of those sources held much merit for me. Too fake, too carefully crafted to be natural.

You'd be surprised just how many couples in high school are put together by cliques and nosy friends that like to control everyone else's lives. Being a hush-quiet lets me hear a lot of gossip and schemeing. I can tell you more dirt about so many people at that school than anyone else. It's really a shame I don't take notes on what I hear. I could make some serious trouble, or blackmail money.

Maybe I did like Aurora. Couldn't liking someone mean just wanting to be around them, and wanting to kiss them? Why did love have to get so complicated? Why couldn't it be like preschool? If you chased a girl on the playground, you liked her. If she chased you back, you're in! You didn't have to spend tons of cash on roses, or chocolates. Just hand the girl of your dreams a wad of gum, folded in a giant paper heart and you're the best boyfriend ever.

But, no. With age, comes rules, and these rules are insane. Things you should already know, and if you don't you're a freak. Things that you should be willing to learn, but you NEVER admit to not knowing them to anyone. If you know too much, you're a player, or a slut. You can't enjoy doing IT if you're a chick, then you're a whore. But, if you're a dude, you've just got game.

Double standards are covering every inch of high school romance. It's terrifying. Then there's the clique-hopping thing. If you like someone that's not in the same group you are, you haev a 75% chance of fucking everything up. If a geek likes a prep, never gonna happen. If a prep likes a geek, they are shunt. You must date within the same circle of friends, or risk being cast out.

Basically, just pass the same people around, swap DNA samples with everyone you know. That's okay!

I really don't understand people my own age. There must be a rule book I'm missing, I swear to god.

And so, my cluelessness considered, how to I even begin to figure out how I feel about her, and what I should do, or am even socially allowed to do. But, doesn't being a hush-quiet and having no friends mean that social rules don't apply to me? Am I above the law? Perhaps, but this requires careful study and thought.

Wait, wait, wait.

She tried to kiss me FIRST. So does that mean it's okay? Can I make a move on her? Do I want to make a move on her? Oh, my fucking god!

I'm going to sleep, this is insane. I'm going to sleep, here I go, watch me sleep. Ready,

3,

2,

1

....

I should have fucking kissed her.