Conversations With My Love (boyxboy)

49. Hurting.

He always came to see me after he returned home from school. Like Joshua, he would knock at my door and try to get me to talk to him. He even came to leave a plat of food in front of my door every night. His attention touched me but I did not want any of it. I wanted to be left alone to suffer quietly.

"I swear to god, Declan, if you don't open that door, I'm going to find an axe and break it open," Joshua warned me but that was not enough for me to move.

"Young man, can you please stop shouting?" I heard the voice of my mom suddenly. "I'm trying to read something but you are disturbing me."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Joshua asked her without any restrain. "Your son is maybe dying in that room and you, all you are doing is freaking reading. What type of mother are you?"

"How dare you speak to me like this?" she exclaimed in horror and they both started to argue. I sighed and finally dragged myself out of bed. Joshua fighting with my mom was one good reason for me to get out of my bed. My head felt heavy when I got on my feet and an horrible headache got to me as I went to open the door. 

"You evil witch-"

"Joshua," I simply said and that was enough to get my friend's attention. He immediately let out a sigh of relief at the sight of me. He pushed the door open more widely and then hugged me, even though my mom was standing just a few meters away. I did not hug him back but he did not seem to mind it.

"Declan," my mother said, giving me a disapproving look. "I demand you to get your friend out of my house. I have enough of seeing him here every day. Who even let him in?"

Before I got the chance to reply anything to her, Joshua pushed me inside my bedroom and closed the door in my mum's face without any care. We heard her make a shout of protest at the other side of the door but none of us did seem to care about that. Soon, she got quiet and walked away in defeat.

"What the hell happened here?" Joshua exclaimed in disbelief at the sight of my room. I quietly went to lay back on my bed. "Declan, you completely ruined your room."

I already knew about that but I did not really care. It was not so important. My life was a complete mess so my room too could be a mess. I needed to take my anger out and destroying everything here was my only option.

My friend looked at me, waiting for me to reply to him in any possible way but I did not budge. I remained on my back and stared at the ceiling. He walked to me and pressed his hand against my forehead.

"You're hot," he stated, "Have you eaten?"

I did not reply but something told me that he already knew the answer and he sighed. He sat on the bed before slowly laying down beside me in the little space that was left.

"Talk to me, Declan," he begged me but I remained quiet and still.

What was the point of all of this? What was the point of my whole existence? What was I living for? To be rejected by anyone I dared love. My family rejected me, maybe Kenny was next to follow and Joshua, he was maybe my best friend now but who knew what would happen later on. Maybe he would find someone better than me and leave me without any regret.

"Say something, please," he told me again and I wondered what he wanted me to tell him.

We both knew what was wrong. We both knew that I was hurting and we both knew that there was nothing that he could do to change this. Talking about my current feelings wouldn't help me in any way. It would just make me cry again and break and I hated that. Why was I so weak?

"Fucking hell," he cursed out loud and his eyes briefly scanned my body from up and down. At that moment, he saw something that I would have preferred he had never seen. "What the hell did you do?!" He grabbed my wrist and examined it. An angry expression came on his face then, "Please, oh god, please, tell me that it is not what I think it is." I pulled my hand away from him and turned on my side to give him my back. I did not want to talk about that now. "Declan, you're freaking scaring me. Why did you do that? Why did you hurt yourself? You can't do this."