Smoke and Sorrow •Joshler•

1.Eyeroll, Concert, and Smoke

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Josh's P.O.V.
    I looked up at the ceiling of my room, I had just woken and was already up in my dressing room. My mind had pestered me the entire night so I had stayed awake until at least 12:00, so midnight. After that, I stayed asleep for 5 hours, not the right amount of sleep but I either never get sleep or need it too much to stay awake. At least I wouldn't miss the concert. I pushed myself around in the chair, my brain throbbing from the lack of sleep. I rolled my eyes in a way of ignoring it and pulled myself away from the lightly spinning chair chair.

     I walked to the bathroom and opened it to look for some Aspirin but I saw something I was hoping I wouldn't. I glance down at my best friend, the shining silver blade I had taken from a pencil sharpener when Tyler wasn't looking. I sighed, thinking of how low I had come. At least I can't get any lower, I hope. I hadn't even used it, but I didn't even want to think about it and earn the same feeling of guilt every time I held it. It felt like a hammer had slammed into me and it kept the same force. Getting frustrated with the blade and my own toxic concoction of emotions, I grabbed a pack of cigarettes and ran out the door, aiming for the nearby park.

     I ignored the constant tears that rolled down my eyes, the same ones that used to lull me into sleep before I joined the band. I've always loved sleep. It's the place where you can go that differs from reality. You at least always have a chance of changing your dreams, but if you're like me you have no chance to change your personality and all that there is behind it. I chuckled to myself. Even when I'm silently crying I'm able to come up with a lyric for Tyler's music. Maybe he'll listen. I raised the burning cigaret to my lips, the burning smoke roughly going down my throat.

    I ignored the ceaseless worrying thoughts running around in my mind that continued on about a few specific topics. These topics being the band, my mentality, my health, and most of all Tyler. The thoughts persisted against my best efforts as I blasted the music that was already blaring through my ears in an attempt to silence them or rather distract myself once again. The song "Tear In My Heart" began to play and I had to stop myself from choking on smoke. I released a shaky breath of the dark, floating toxin that I look to for support as I thought about him. I mentally cursed myself, No Josh, stop thinking about him. Even though I tried, I knew that damn voice would never shut up. I sadly snickered at the fact that I had my own version of Blurryface. My smile dropped when I heard him taunt me once again. "Lift your head and look!" Nothing good ever came from Echo.

     He repeated the sentence, getting more persistent each time, echoing it inside my skull. Eventually succumbing to the harassment I dealt with on a daily ratio, I obeyed. My eyes glazed the landscape as I took another drag of the cigarette. I had to stop myself from coughing as I saw Tyler and Jenna. They were sitting on a park bench as I sat a yard away, leaning on a brick building. Jenna was sitting on Tyler's lap and even from this distance, I could see the smirk on their faces as they made out.

     I tightened my grip on the cigarette and took one last long drag on it. I closed my eyes and crushed the cigarette in my hand, the piping hot embers burning me. I almost dropped them, but instead crunched them into my hand tighter, knowing that I deserved the pain. It burned but I've had worse, hell even seeing what I saw hurt me worse than I could admit. I knew I was admirably jealous that I didn't have someone to love and never will. I've admitted that I've always had trouble with the ladies, but that wasn't the current problem. I opened my eyes, ignoring my own words and cursed at myself for not realized how short on time I was along with how long I was there.

     I dropped the cold cigarette and quickly pulled up my now buzzing phone, realizing that Tyler had left the park and was now texting me, 21 times by now. I didn't bother reading them as I sped off to the dressing rooms which were 2 minutes away. I hurriedly bustled in and ran over to my frowning make-up artist. She rolled her eyes like every time I was late and quickly got started with giving me some red eyeshadow. After, she closed her make-up kit and left. I quickly changed into a black top before running to my table for some water.

     I glanced at the lack of food, remembering I didn't eat much. I shrugged, I guess they know how to keep my fatness down. I seconded my thoughts. I rolled my eyes knowing the past me would never have said that, weird that it's happening now. I, not having the proper time to ponder on it, rushed out to Tyler's dressing room. I pushed open the door to see him putting his red beanie on. He smiled "Hey Josh, were going to start off with Stressed Out, than Lane Boy, and end with Guns for Hands. Okay?" I nodded, looking up to remember the drumming rhythm I had first used when we recorded those songs.

    I checked the clock just as our stage manager come out. "5 minutes until you go on, I wish you luck." He bellowed to both of us as I removed my burning hand from the cold door handle. I turned around to face him, hiding the palm of my right hand. Tyler smiled genuinely but I faked one, it was normal by now. Tyler, somehow noticing something was off, pulled me inside his dressing room by my forearm after the manager left. Worry filled me up as he looked questionably at me and spoke with a fragile voice "Hey Spooky Jim, what's wrong?" His words earned a light chuckled out of me as he stared at me. I gave his worried self-warm eyes and spoke with one of the most classic phrases I could have said.

     I rolled my eyes fakely "I'm fine, Tyler. No need to worry, it's going to affect your singing and I love your singing." He nodded, slowing his worried look, and left the room, expecting me to follow. I sighed, once again I had lied. At least it was only partially. I did honestly love his singing, I just wasn't okay, let alone fine. I pulled my legs to the next step and continued the process until I was sitting at my drums. I quickly grabbed the drumsticks and held them up, reading to play along to Tyler's beautiful voice.
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