Popular and Suicidal

Carry On

--

It's been two years since Gerard died. I tried to follow him once but Mikey stopped me, what was it with the Ways and saving me?

I sighed deeply as I got out of my shitty car and walked into my therapists' building, Sage. I went to the counter and an older woman slid open the glass separating us, "Frank Iero to see Helana at 5:30." I told her, she nodded and I sat down on one of the chairs.

A woman and her son walked in, he looked about six or seven. The boy smiled at me and I smiled back. His mother talked to the receptionist and they both sat down across from me.

I stared at the ceiling like I usually did when I was bored, thinking or waiting for something, I sat there and silently waited for Helana to come out and take me back to her office.

"Frank!" I looked to my left and saw her standing in the doorway, I smiled half-heartedly and followed her, "Do you want to pet my dog?" She questioned, I nodded. I fucking love dogs.

We sat down and her dog, a black lab named Cookie, sat down on the floor next to me. "So, tell me, how has your week gone?" Helana asked I sighed, "Okay I guess, I saw Gerard again." She nodded sympathetically, "I'm sorry, where was he?"
"On... on the roof of a factory. He uh, fell." She sighed "I'm so sorry, are your medications not working then?" I shrugged, "I've only been on this for a week. It'll take another week to actually start working." She nodded.

"When did you see that hallucination?" I thought back to that day, "Sunday, so three days ago." "Okay, again, I'm sorry. There's not much I can do if your meds aren't working. You do know that he isn't real, right? You're just imagining him." I nodded slowly, "I know but, it all just seems so real. Like when I watched it on tv two years ago."

She again nodded, "How was the rest of your week? Were you busy at work?" I nodded, I'd become a musician. I stared a few bands and now I was in one called Frank Iero and the Patience. "We had practice yesterday and the day before that. They went pretty well, it was nice to keep my mind of things. I also wrote a song so that's good."

Helana smiled encouragingly, "That's good, that's very good. I'm glad you can focus on your band instead of other things. When are you leaving."

"In less then a week. They day before I would see you. Do you think we could meet on Monday?"

"Probably, where is your fist show?"

"Well, it's all in America since we're going to Warped Tour so I think it's Dallas first."

"Sounds fun, any other bands you know that you're touring with?"

"Fall Out Boy, Panic! At the Disco, and a few others."

"That will be exciting. You'll be okay? Try not to have hallucinations during a show." She joked, smiling, I smiled back, "I'll try not too."

"Let's play play Uno then I'll let you go." She said, sliding down from her chair and sitting on the floor behind the table across from me.

Helana liked to play games while she did sessions which I didn't mind, she usually worked with adolescents before she got this job. "Want to shuffle?" I rolled my eyes, she was obsessed with shuffling and she'd do it more then five times before setting them out, "Nah, go ahead." She smiled brightly.

"So, how was that date you had with uh, what was his name?" I laughed, "It wasn't a date, he's married and we're friends. His name is Mikey." "Oh." She blushed and started dealing out the cards. "Yeah, he's married to this guy named Ray. Who would've thought he'd marry his high school sweetheart?" She shrugged, "Some people marry their high school sweetheart, it's not that uncommon actually." I sighed, "Well it didn't work for me." I mumbled she looked up as she put down a 'draw two', "You know, it's not your fault Gerard jumped off that building. He chose to do that and there wasn't much you could do about it."

"I could've told him I liked him! His note said no one ever liked him anyways... it was the same as mine." Helana sighed, "I'm sorry, but even if you said that he might've done that. He wasn't in his right mind, Frank. He was troubled and he needed help but he refused it."

I knew that, but I didn't want to believe it, I wanted to say that I could've saved him. But I couldn't, I didn't. He died and it was my fault and I could never forgive myself for that.

"Frank, believe me when I say that you couldn't have saved him unless you went with him and grabbed him from falling." That made me think back to when he'd done that for me, "He did that for me. It was the first day we met. He saved me from jumping off a cliff. He literally caught me while I was falling." She nodded, I'd told her this the first time we met last year. I'd gone through a lot of therapists before I found Helana whom I trusted.

"I remember, but you couldn't do the same because he was in the hospital."
"Why did he die then! He was in a fucking hospital they should've saved him! They ducking killed him!" I yelled, tears slipped down my face, "I never wanted it to be this way." I sighed.

She nodded, understanding me. I rarely raised my voice at anyone though sometimes I screamed in my band, "I know this is difficult for you. It is, after all, the anniversary of his death. Are you going to his grave today?" I nodded, "Yeah, I'm bringing him his favorite food and Mikey and I are gonna just... I guess talk to him. Ray will probably be there too."

Helana nodded, "I hope you have fun. Anyways, I won and you can go now." She said triumphantly, I put down my two cards, "Good job." I mocked, she laughed and we both stood up, I pet her dog one last time before she walked me out and we left to the front entrance lobby thing. I don't know what you'd call it.

"Bye, try and see if you can see me Monday." I nodded and walked up to the receptionist and scheduled an appointment Monday. I went come and decided I should call Mikey to tell him I was ready.

--

Mikey and I sat down in front of Gerard's grave together. No one was here except us and some birds, well, Ray was in the car.

"Hey, it's Mikey and I. We come here every year as you know, I mean, it's only been two years but, we miss you. A lot." Mikey smiled at me and pulled out two small containers of curry, "We got curry, it was your favorite besides pizza. But everyone likes pizza so we got you something different."

He handed me a container and a spoon and I got comfortable, we ate it in silence. Afterwards Mikey stood up, "I've gotta go, Wanna stay for a little bit longer?" I nodded, "Okay, I'll get in the car." He walked slowly back to the car where his husband was, I laid down on the grass and looked up at the clouds, "I saw my therapist today. I saw you a few days ago, you fell off a building. Now why would you do that?" Gerard said nothing.

"Your grandma passed away, you probably knew that. She left Mikey and I everything. We became close after you died, she gave me what she would've gave to you. She said you would've wanted that." The clouds moved slowly and I sighed, "I should go.... I love you." I got up and walked back to the car, I wiped away the tears that were falling for the second time today.

They drove me home and I sat on my bed, I lived alone in a small house though I could've bought a mansion with the money I have. This house was just big enough for me to entertain a few people, mostly Mikey and Ray and sometimes my family.

My three dogs came into my room and jumped on my bed next to me, I fucking love dogs.

I guess you could say I was doing okay. Sometimes I had hallucinations but they were getting fewer and farther apart. My band was picking up enough that we were going to Warped.  I wasn't depressed all the time and I hadn't thought about killing myself in over a year. My life was getting better slowly.

All I had to do was carry on.