Popular and Suicidal

3am

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After drawing, I sat in silence, waiting for Frank even though that was nine hours from now. I got up and pulled out my earbuds, I hated sitting in silence, it let dark thoughts creep into my head. Then again, I could cut as much as I wanted right now before I had to go. I felt down enough, I was even feeling suicidal.

I dismissed the thought quickly, I didn't want Frank to see them. I put in the earbuds and turned up the volume all the way. I flicked through the artists and chose The Misfits, they were my favorite band

No matter how loud I turned up the music, I could still hear the voices. They were urging me to cut. I tried my best to ignore it but it was hard to do so. I finally snapped and ripped the earbuds out and tossed my phone to the other side of my bed.

I sneaked out of my room easily and went to the bathroom and grabbed my shaver. I clicked the razor out and ran back to my room. I locked the door this time, Mikey wasn't coming in to ruin my fun.

Did I really want to do this? Frank would be here and what if he sees? He already must know that I'm crazy since I'm going to a facility. Maybe he is too, he did try to kill himself after all. That made me sad, I hated to think that other people feel the way I do. I deserved it but no one else did.

I tried to sort through my feelings, why did I want to cut? Was it just cause I could and I wouldn't be able to do it in the hospital? No. I was scared and angry at my family for making me go. I didn't want part of it at all, I wasn't trying to kill myself when I cut. In fact, it usually kept me from committing suicide. But they didn't understand, they never did. They didn't care either, they just wanted me gone.

Yes, I wanted to cut. I had a thirst for blood... my own blood. I wanted to feel pain. I wanted to release what I was feeling inside. I thirsted for that feeling to not feel at all. That moment of ecstasy when you first cut and you feel it, then you go deeper and deeper so you can really feel it.

I felt warm substance trickling down my wrist and arm and looked down, I had been cutting. Those thoughts alone made me cut without even thinking about it. I examined the cuts, they weren't as deep as I'd like.

I pressed as hard as I could, what if this hit a vein? But who cares, I sure don't. I pressed and slid the blade across as fast as I could. Blood immediately came to the surface. Beading up then, because my arm was at an angle, running down my arm to my elbow. I watched my own blood in fascination, this is what living feels like.

I heard a tap on my window, Frank. Oh shit. I mopped up the blood quickly, finally wrapping a piece of cloth around my arm and pulling on a hoodie. I put the blade under my mattress, was it already 5:00? No, it was 3:00.

The tapping happened again, more impatient so I opened the curtains and unlocked the window. Frank had already took off the screen, he climbed in and looked around my room, "Wow, it's clean."
"My room is never this clean. I only did it so they could search my room easier. Why are you here so early?" I sat down on my bed and he followed suit, "Because I was getting bored." He was lying but I didn't mention it. We sat in an awkward silence.

"So... have you ever gone to a facility before?" I shook my head, "No, though I have been to therapy and counseling before. I almost went." He nodded and looked away, "What was therapy like?" I shrugged, "I really don't know." He looked curiously at me, "I didn't speak to them. I didn't speak for a whole year. I think that's when my parents gave up on me." I explained quietly, reminding him of the talk we had in the bathroom.

Frank put his hand on mine and squeezed it then let go, "I'm sorry you've gone through that. I... I went to a therapist once. I haven't gone since that time."
"Why?" I saw the pain in his eyes and wished I hadn't asked, "I was... I was r-raped by him." My mouth parted, "Raped? Holy shit." Tears sprung to his eyes and I took a hold of him and hugged him. "I don't even know what to say."
"Don't say anything." He whispered.

We stayed like that for a while, my arms were getting tired but I didn't mind that much. He finally let go, "Thanks. S-sorry for being so clingy and stupid. I swear I'm not usually like this. You've seen me at my worst." I smiled, I've seen a lot of people at their worst. It seems like people just trust me.

The door handle raddled and I froze, oh shit. Mikey probably wanted to come in and sleep. I got up and unlocked the door and opened it, Mikey stumbled in and went to the ground and fell asleep.

Frank raised an eyebrow, "He uh... gets nightmares and likes to sleep in here. He doesn't want anyone to know so please don't tell!" I said pleadingly, "Your brother treats you like shit but you don't want me to spill dirt on him?" I shook my head, "I know, but he's my baby brother and I don't want him not to have friends. I know what that's like." Frank looked into my eyes then nodded, "Okay. I don't know why he's scared to tell that. I get nightmares. Granted, I don't go and sleep in my brothers room." He mused quietly, "Alright, I should go."

I looked at the clock, it had only been a hour so it was 4:00 "Why did you really come here at 3:00?" He looked at me as I got up, he looked like he was contemplating, "I wasn't feeling good. I wanted to cut and/or die. Sorry." I shrugged, it didn't really matter to me.

"Okay, I'm glad you told me the truth." I smiled at him and he did the same before sneaking to the other side of my bed and climbing out the window. I crawled over and watched him get to the roof top. A sudden thought struck me, "How did you know I'm on the second lever and at this window?" He rolled his eyes, "You've got black curtains."
"You're lying." I said suspiciously.

"Fine. I kinda followed you home. You knew where I lived so I followed you. You went to the cliff and took my razor and note them left. Did you read the note?" I nodded and he sighed, "Sorry you had to read that. It was crappy lyrics that I wrote."
"I liked them." I said truthfully. He smiled and went to the bush and climbed down it. He waved as he left the property and I waved back. Then I but the screen back for the second time tonight and closed the window and curtains.

I sat on my bed, I hadn't slept in ages. How long had it been? I decided to try and sleep, even though I wasn't tired. Which was seeing as I hadn't slept in almost three days, or maybe it had been three days... I couldn't tell.

I stared out the window, that's when I saw a face. "Frank?" I whispered, the face disappeared and reappeared inside the window. Okay, definitely not Frank.