Secrets for Words

Autopilot

When I was a child, my playmates were many

Defined by popularity, I was entrapped

Day in, day out, travelling from one embrace to the next

I craved a chance to be alone, for one single day

Just a day, maybe even an hour

I wanted to be utterly alone

No awkward, forced communication

No reputation to uphold

Just a day to be myself

As I grew up, my popularity faded as I slowly became myself

Inner realizations, harsh accusations

led me to who I truly was

and I loved it

but no one else did

Quiet down, slow down, sit still

Stop this madness you call your life

be like us

conform

conform

conform

there's no room for individuality here

stop being yourself

we dont like it

The older I got

the worse it got

lost friends

lost "friends"

gained acquaintances

built walls

armored my heart, defending it from the world

sheilded myself from future pain

cut people from my life

secured my soul with padded locks

and eventually

shutting down

days passed slowly, robotically

life continue to move as i sat still

watching those around me growing

hearing but not really hearing

interacting but not really interacting

just...existing

alone

alone

alone

finally

days turned to weeks

weeks turned to months

isolation and silence were my only friends

i hated myself and the person id become

i forgot how to love myself

as my happiness faded

i became angry

furious

blamed the world for the position id put myself in

this isn't fair

it isn't

fair

it isn't

fair 

life passed

days dissapeared

said goodbye to those who once knew me

and left without once turning around

everything happened at once

new town, new school

new stress

lost my way in the whirlwind of chaos

resumed autopilot

continued to forget and repress

forget 

repress

forget

repress

acquaintances became cautious friends

started to regain feeling

is this happiness?

the ability to feel when you havent for so long?

started to love

frustration ensued

i waged a war within myself

heart battled brain for days on end

til i was left with headaches

trust?

fear

fear

fear

cannot compute

restarting

continued to exist

learned how to laugh

friends continue to try new keys

tried to help me find myself again

feelings

i

i feel

i feel good?

ice around my heart thawed

the poisonous water corroding my system

fear

fear

f

....riends?

love?

compassion

empathy

tears

tears

tears

learning to love myself once again

if these people havent hurt me yet

and they love me then

trust

autopilot is now turned off

you may proceed to take control with caution