In Love With My Mobster Best Friend (mxmxm)

FORTY-NINE: SEALED

I ran my finger through my hair tiredly. I haven't had a wink of sleep since I sat in this couch. How could I? My heart was still skipping beats from the memory of it.

If the doctors hadn't burst in to check in on him, he could have passed out from the blood loss, and God knows how long it would have taken him to wake up again this time.

My hands were still clammy from the memory, from the fact that I almost lost him again. Almost. Too close.

"Did you seriously stay up all night in that couch?"

I startled, turning my head quickly with a scowl at the voice.

"I'll take that unshaven and honestly horrific look on your face as yes." Heath raised his brow amusedly, "You know, he sent you back home so you could actually rest? Not do what you would if you stayed in the hospital?"

I scoffed, "He should know better." It really wasn't a good idea for Heath to remind me that he was the chosen one. That Coe wanted him to stay with him in the hospital. Not me. I was dismissed, sent home to 'rest'. Perhaps my outburst at him was uncalled for, perhaps he was punishing me for it.

"He's worried, Jer." Heath stepped up behind me, running his hands down my neck and massaging my shoulders.

I leaned into his touch, tilting my head down so he could better access my tensed neck. God, his hands were working magic. I needed this. Some form of affection, some kind of comfort. Heath was a God-send, Coe was right.

"You've not been yourself for a long time now. You haven't been eating well, or resting well. You might function well enough to keep the group going, and business may be as usual, but I don't think Coe cares if you're doing well at work if your body is not well." Heath's voice dropped to a gentle whisper.

The gentleness eased me into a vulnerable mood. I admit it's not easy for me to open up, not even to my lovers, but I'm learning these days that it really pays to just say what I was feeling, or what my intentions were. So many misunderstandings were born from silence and assumptions. I don't have the strength to defend myself in front of two men in my life.

"I couldn't sleep. It's not that I don't want to." I admitted bitterly.

"Too excited for the wedding?" Heath asked. I could tell from his voice that he was skeptical that those were my thoughts at all. He knows me well. There was no need for me to put up a front with him.

I answered him honestly, "No. It's not excitement." I swallowed nervously. The anxious feeling in my chest building up again, "I may have agreed to it yesterday, but it was only because I was being swept along with Coe's pace. Now that I have a bit of time to think things through..." I trailed off, unsure of how to position my thoughts to Heath without implying the wrong thing, or hurting him.

"You don't want to marry Coe?"

I could see the frown on Heath's face without even looking at him.

"Does it even seem like a remotely good idea to do that to him?" I asked, sounding more timid than I intended to, "He's an innocent for fuck's sake. You and me, we're different. We chose this life for ourselves. We involved ourselves in this dangerous business because we could handle it, and we found our place while doing it. We came far, and it makes sense that we are together..."

I paused, lifting my hand to grab onto Heath's as I turned around to face him.

"It makes sense for us to be together, but Coe..." I let out a breath, "Coe is an innocent, and he would never become a hardened gang member like we are. He doesn't have that in him. Marrying me, being with us officially, that seals his life not only to us, Heath. It seals him to The Family. How can I do that to him?"