The Suicide Journal

All We Are

Ethan's perspective, again.

I've been following Eve for weeks, luckily her phone still has the tracking feature enabled. Driving through state after state, always a step behind.

It didn't take long to figure out where she was headed. She's been weaving through the states, visiting normal tourist attractions, but she remains heading west. Whatever she does she gradually travels west. Towards the place she always told me she wanted to visit, California. The golden coast.

It fits, she's always held a place in her heart for the ocean.

Whenever she did talk about the future she'd say she wanted to be a marine biologist, and open up a rescue and rehabilitation clinic. An admirable dream. I always knew she had what it takes to complete that dream too. She holds a fiery spirit, her heart full of passion.

But she's going down, in a downward spiral, and that flame is going out. She's lost sight of herself. I can't lose her, I can't let her destroy herself.

With that in mind I push the gas a little harder, hoping to catch up to the love of my life, before she made a huge mistake. A mistake that would not only destroy her life, but her parents and mine.

The California border quickly approaches, getting closer with every mile. I only hope I'll make it in time.

Aww, he's so determined to save her, it's cute. Anyways Forevers perspective.

I'd finally made it to California, after weeks of driving and sightseeing. Here I'll complete the final thing on my list, send a message in a bottle. For that though I have to be on the coast, I'm not quite there yet.

Shouldn't be much longer, I figure I'll spend the rest of the day on the beach, then complete my tasks tomorrow. I hope to sink that bullet in my brain as the sun sets, tomorrow.

❦

I've arrived, and I can definitely feel the tension and anxiety I've had for the last couple of weeks roll of me in waves. It's freeing to finally be here.

I spent the entire evening just sitting and watching the waves.

Now though, I have some last minute entries to write, I feel like I haven't said everything that needs to be said.

Sitting at the hotel desk I click my pen, trying to think of exactly what I need to write. Knowing that this is the last imprint I'll leave in the world is nerve-racking. This journal will be my legacy, something to keep my memory alive.

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Dear Ethan,

I feel like I haven't told you everything you need to know. But honestly I don't know where to start.

You're a great guy, and you would have been an amazing father.

But even though I took your first chance at that away, I know you will make a great one in the future.

I wish you good luck with your studies, and your life.

Any church would be proud to have you as their pastor, and anyone would be glad to have you as their friend.

I know I said this before, but I'll say it again. Forget about me. Complete school. Find a great woman, make her your wife. Then have the greatest bunch of little rascals possible. Because that's what I imagine happiness is for you. If it's not, and you want something else, well then go find something else. I just want you to be happy, it's all I've ever wanted. Even more than I wanted my own happiness.

But most importantly, I love you, I really do. I hope you know that.

Do me a favour? Watch out for mom and dad, for me, please. I'm sure they need you right now. And you deserve a loving family, I know they can give that to you.

By the way, I leave everything to you. I know I don't have a fancy will, but I know mom and dad will honour it. Everything is yours. I left a good bit of cash in my car, hopefully it will help with school fees. And I know none of this could ever make up for what I put you through, but I just want you to know I'm sorry.

Forever

Dear Mom,

It's me, your baby girl.

You don't know how much I wish to be that little girl you read stories to again. She didn't have a care in the world. She just stayed safe, surrounded in your loving arms. Wanting nothing more than to grow up. She didn't know how luckily she was, how good she had it.

I miss those cookies we used to bake every Christmas.

Mostly I just miss being your naive girl, ignorant to all of life's pain and sorrows. I want to be her again. But I know I never will be, that life is over. And I'm not strong enough for this one.

I just want you to know, I tried I really did. I tried to hold on, for you and dad. I tried to hold on for everyone. To be the strong girl you needed me to be, but I'm not. I'm not that girl, I never was.

I hope I'm not to much of a disappointment.

Just remember that I love you,

Forever

Dear Dad,

Don't you just wish we could go back, go back to the days where you'd take me fishing. The days where I was your little girl, and I'd sit in your lap for hours listening to you retell the stories of your youth.

We used to do everything together, I didn't have a care in the world.

But good things don't last, do they? Children grow up, learn to face life's struggles. Only I wasn't able to, life's struggles shot me down and ripped me piece by piece. I wasn't strong enough, I never was.

I tried to be, but it wasn't enough. I'm sorry, dad.

Can I be your little girl again?

Forever

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Hey!!

So uhm she's about to do it. Eves about to take her own life. Will Ethan be able to stop her?

I know this chapter took a while, I'm sorry.

I was just looking for the right song.

It would probably still be unpublished if I hadn't entered The 2017 Glimmer Awards, which requires five parts. Which this story didn't have, so I needed to write some more.

So anyway, if you or anyone you know is struggling with something, tell someone. Don't sit in the dark. Most ignore the signs, because they don't want to believe them. Seek help, please, I want to save you, but I can't unless you come to me. If not me than at least someone else.

Someone will help you through these tough times, I promise.

Paige 🙃🙂🙃 ;