everyday | bellarke

one | maybe i can do that

BELLAMY:

"She saved us again."

I try not to make eye contact with Raven as she says those words. I don't want her to see how much they hurt me. It doesn't matter; she already knows.

"Think we can do this without her?"

No. I can't do this without her. She is- was... my rock. Everyone's rock. But we have to keep living, no matter how hard it is. For her.

"If we don't, she died in vain, and I'm not going to let that happen," I respond, my voice getting caught in my throat. I try not to let the tears welled up in my eyes fall down my face. "You with me?"

I meet her gaze. I've never seen her look so solemn. "Always," she replies with certainty.

I nod, and turn back to the burning planet, where I left her. Even with Raven's support, with the whole group's, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get over Clarke's death.

Turning around, I walk back to my room. The Ark is so empty that I could have plenty of rooms just to myself if I wanted. But I found a small one that probably used to be an office. Somehow, residing is a sleeping quarter is just a bit too harrowing. Earlier, I dragged a mattress in from a bedroom, to accompany a small metal desk that was already here.

I sit at the desk, and open the drawers. There's a picture of a family. It's a couple I've never seen before, and they're holding a baby. It was taken on the main deck, and there are festivities everywhere. It must've been Unity Day. The woman is smiling so wide that it doesn't feel like she lived on the same Ark I did. The man has his hand on her shoulder, fingers interwined with her dark hair. The baby's bright blonde hair matches his. I pick it up and graze my fingers over it. Printed photos are somewhat of a rarity on the Ark; everything is digital here.

Under the photo, there's a huge envelope. Inside of it, I find a load of letters. I leaf through the frail papers. How many are here? I pick one out, and read it:

Dear Anna,

There isn't a day where I don't miss you. Today is no exception. Our daughter's fifth birthday. She was so happy. She looks just like you when she smiles. I wish you could see it. It's almost been three years since you were floated. I don't think I'll ever let it go. Every time I see the Chancellor, or a member of the Council, it's like I relive the pain of that ordeal. You didn't do anything wrong, my love. You deserve to be here more than I do. I guess that's why I still do this. I need to be the man you always thought I was, but first, I need closure. I'll do this everyday until I have that, I promise. I'll be a good father to Ellie.

Forever yours,

Gregory

It provokes something in me that I haven't let myself feel yet. Devastation. This man lost the love of his life, and he wrote her letters every day to try to come to terms with the tradegy. The emotions in his words bring me back to my life before being sent to the ground. Hiding, secrets, trying to live by the cruel rules of the Ark. Octavia, who I won't see for five years. Clarke, who I'll never see again. I let it all go, and before I know it, this man's letter is splattered with my tears.

But there's something hopeful about it. I pour through the rest of the letters, noticing that they stop when the main part of the Ark was brought to Earth. That man was on a station that went to the ground. Maybe he made it, maybe he didn't. But it's possible that he and his daughter found peace in a new life, at least for some time. Remembering who they had lost, but accepting the worth of their own lives. Maybe I can do that.

I find a pen in another drawer and on one of the blank pieces of paper, begin to write:

Dear Clarke...

I know a lot of people will be writing stories like these while Bellarke is separated and we're on hiatus from the 100, waiting for season 5, but I hope you enjoy this one! Please vote and comment if you like it so far!