Philophobia - Phan

Chapter 5

A/n I friggin love this song so much, (and All Time Low in general, but yah know). Listen to it while you read :3, It probably won't correlate to the story at all, but hey, you can just appreciate the amazingness. x

--Dan's P.O.V--

I shoved my hands into my pockets, sliding further into my sofa crease. Oh my God was I shattered, both mentally an physically. 

I just saved a kid's life, and yet, I didn't feel good about myself at all. I just felt... overwhelmed.

Something about the way Phil had looked at me after I did that, the fear in his eyes, fear that I would get hurt... it made me feel fuzzy. Then, the moment when I'd been sat in his lap, staring into his eyes, after he saved my ass from the van. His eyes had been so full of relief, and his pupils were so dilated almost all of his lapis-blue irises were black. The way his arms had held me as if I weighed no more than a young child, my head buried in his chest, silently praying that he would make it to the other side.

Wait, why did I want him to get to the other side?

It must have been I wanted to survive, and the only way I would was if my rescuer were to survive too.

Or... was there more to this?

Did I want him to survive?

Did he mean something to me?

Oh. 

Oh my god.

Without any warning, my lungs tightened, forcing out a heavy breath that I was unable to recover.

My brain slipped into a dark reality, my thoughts tripping, falling, into a black abyss, crawling back up as one horrible, sickening fear, pulling at my head, clawing at my throat.

Phobia.

Suddenly, after what felt like hours of struggle, I felt a foot hole on the sides of the chasm I was plunging into; a tiny imperfection in the smooth matter of the walls I slipped down, one last hope.

I had remembered something I read online.

...one simple well-known CBT technique is simply to say "Stop!" aloud when negative thoughts emerge...

Then, with a final push of determination, the dying star in my mind giving its very last 'all', I opened my mouth, drew in as much air as I could, and screamed,

'STOP!'

The tears stopped, my lungs unlocked and my heart slowed.

Everything was calm.

'It worked,' I whispered to myself, hugging my knees to my chest. I shuffled to the other end of the sofa, grabbing the marshmallow shaped stress ball off the table. I crushed it over and over in my hands, it making little poof sounds as the air rushed out of it.

I cared about what he thought of me.

That's all I knew, as I sat there, furiously squeezing a stress ball between my hands.

Maybe I even cared about him...

For some reason, no more fear emerged at this. In fact, a small feeling of triumph gathered in my heart, as if it were celebrating: it had finally won.

Well, maybe not won yet, but it was definitely getting there. 

Something inside of me felt euphoric, for what seemed like no reason. I lay back without thinking, smiling slightly at the memory of his three-colour eyes, blue, green and yellow all at the same time...

I jumped up, tears welling in my eyes.

'Stop...' I mumbled, pulling at my hair.

I ran into my room, practically ripping off my clothes and throwing pajamas. 

I was about to slip into bed, when I had a thought.

The drawer.

In my drawer, I had pills that would help, pills I'd been prescribed to help with my... with the fear. I hadn't ever taken them, and I'd never planned to. I'd only gone to the doctor because I'd sprained my wrist. He'd noticed my skittish behaviour and had referred me to a therapist, who'd given me the pills.

It was some sort of benzodiazepine, or something, and was a common anxiety medicine. She'd said they would numb my fear, but I should only take them once a day, and, consecutively, only for two months at most before taking a month-long break.

Shaking, I pulled the drawer open, pulling out the bottle and tipping one of the pills into my hand. I put it on my bedside table, ready for tomorrow morning.

For the first time in two long, lonely years, I wanted to get better.

I wanted to love again.

A/n WOOO DAN YEAH GO YOU TRYNA GET BETTER!! Yeah I know it hella sounds like he's gonna kill himself when it first says about the pills, but DON'T WORRY THAT WON'T HAPPEN. xox Until next time, babye! <3 ~ Author-chan