Losing Kim Taehyung

forty-three

"But, I feel bad." She said, taking a deep breath. "I let Taehyung kissed me which I shouldn't have. . . And now, everything's just messed up. I mean, Taehyung's dead. Hoseok's not talking to me anymore. . . And. . . I've hurt you, Areum. . . I'm just, I'm really sorry, Areum." I looked at her again, hearing her shaking voice and saw the tears in her eyes.

For a quick second, I felt empathy towards her. Why am I so easy to feel bad towards other people? I used to be so mad at her just for the fact of being her own self and getting Taehyung's attention by doing nothing. I was so blinded at the thought of loving Taehyung that my hatred all went towards her, thinking she would probably steal him from me, but the truth is Taehyung's the one chasing her to love him back. Thinking of it, I started to feel bad. Solji is also having a difficult time too. He lost a friend and now, he lost Hoseok too. "Do you think. . ." I paused, hesitating in asking it. "Do you think the outcome will be different if you loved Taehyung back before?" I continued, asking a question out of the blue.

"Why do you. . ." She suddenly shrugged that sentence away and said something else, "Areum, you do know you can't force yourself to be in love with someone who you don't love, right? It's just, I don't see Taehyung that way. He's just a friend to me."

"But Taehyung forced himself to love me for Jungkook's sake," I told her quickly, almost raising my shaking voice. "And maybe, if you did love him back, none of this is probably happening right now. He and Jungkook might probably be alive. . . They might not be the same as before, but Taehyung would probably be happy with you and you might somehow finally learn to love him, right? And maybe, we haven't met at all."

"Areum," I could hear the worrisome when she said my name.

"Is it bad to wish for a different outcome?" I asked her, feeling the pain in my eyes as it could no longer release its tears.

"Taehyung is in love with you," She blurted out. "Why are you even saying those kind of things?"

"But why?" I asked, low-key catching my breath as though I run a marathon. That is exactly how I feel dealing with this emotional frustration right now. It's so tiring. I'm tired. Tired of feeling anything. "Why can't he just love me alone then? Why can't he be contented with me? Why am I not enough for him?" I asked her, not pausing for a word. "Why does he still needs you?!" I raised my voice a little higher at how pissed I am right now.

"Jung."

"What?"

"My grandma used to tell me that word. It's the connection between two people that can't be separated, even when love turns to hate. You still have those old feelings for them. You can never completely shake them loose of you. Whatever you do, you will always have tenderness in your heart for them."

And jung is why Taehyung can't let her go. They're tied. Taehyung needed someone who would never turned him away when everyone does. Someone who was always there for him. Someone who loved and understood him more than anyone. And Solji is that person for Taehyung. How can I possibly begrudge her like that? And now, I finally got the chance to understand her. Solji was the one who stayed with him when Yoongi and his friend left him after Jungkook died. I'm sure it was hard for Taehyung to live with guilt, but thanks to Solji, he still had reasons to live his life. . . until now.

"I'm really sorry, Areum. I'm not expecting for you to forgive me, but—"

I interrupted her, "I get it now, Solji. You don't have to apologize anymore," I told her. "You have no idea how I wished I was you so many times, just to feel what it feels like to be someone as precious as you to Taehyung. So, thank you. Thank you for staying with Taehyung and being a good friend to him, Solji." I said, looking down at my dress and wrung the bottom part of my dress before standing up. She was about to say something, but I immediately interrupted her. "I really should go now. Jin and Namjoon are already waiting for me." I added, still the rain kept pouring down.