Blind Sided

Don't Cry

Another month goes by and we just live in the hospital. Aiden has started school but he won't do any work. His grades are already failing and if he doesn't get them up he won't be on the wrestling team anymore. I think that's what he is going for. He didn't want to do school much less wrestling because of how sick I am. I found out that Liv passed away. She lost her battle and now I am even more scared I will lose mine. Mom could lose her job and dad doesn't do anything but work. He doesn't sleep or eat. Aiden doesn't sleep and my mom well she is holding on and she won't let us see her upset or stressed even though I know she cries after I fall asleep and Aiden goes home.
After my mom goes to sleep I write. I know I need to say something I just don't know how to say it. Since my fever scare it has been even more pressing to finish it. I just don't know how. When I was little my mom would always tell me that I was strong. So why don't I feel strong now? When I need my strength the most it is gone. I can't find it. Even now my mom says I am strong I don't believe her one bit though. How will I even fight this? I don't believe that it is possible. It is late probably one in the morning. My mom has finally crashed in the couch in the room and the cat has gone to sleep long by now.
I have a small lamp on that is by my hospital bed. The world seems quiet and the cars outside don't seem so loud either. The park across the way is empty and the hospital hallway is bare except for the nurses that walk the halls bringing patients what they need at this hour. Some need medicine, others urgent care, the rest just a glass of water or new batteries in their tv remote because they are like me, sleepless. Some need some more blood drawn and others are just getting out of a long surgery. Even though it is a children's hospital even kids have a hard time sleeping or surgery that takes most of the night.
I'm just glad I don't need a surgery. In order to get the transfusion I need to survive stage three. The doctor said I have less that a 20% chance I will survive stage two much less stage three. It was hard news for all my family to hear but at least we know I have a chance. I don't see Aiden except for after wrestling and even then I only see him for an hour a day. Secretly I know it kills him. He acts like he is fine but I know he isn't. I put all my things away and lay down. I wonder why the world is such an unfair place.

The days drag on and they seem to get longer and longer as time goes on. I am still bored and now more than ever. My mom takes me to the kids room but to be honest, it isn't the same without Liv. I have Lightning but she doesn't do much. With Emma and Jaelyn in school they don't stop by. Aiden took me out once but I quickly came back. I hate leaving the hospital or even home. It sucks. Halloween is coming up but we are not doing anything.
The smaller kids go door to door in the hospital and trick or treat with other patients and nurses. I just want to stay in my room. I never see dad anymore either. He is always working. The doctor comes in the room.
"We need to get some more X-rays." The doctor says. My mom nods her head but I don't do anything. It doesn't matter anymore. He takes me to the X-ray room, a room I know where it is like the back of my hand. I lay on the table without being told to. I know the routine. He takes the pictures he needs to take and takes me back to my room. I want to break down, I want to scream and cry. I hate this. It's the worst thing in the world, to sit here and not know how much longer I have.
"How was it?" My mom asks trying to make me feel better.
"As always horrible." I say to her. Now she will try to make it better.
"How about we... no. Oh how about... no." She starts to think.
"Just stop." I say.
"Oh honey it will be okay." She says. I doubt she believes herself as much as I believe her. Lighting comes up to me and lays by me. Right now I don't even want to put up with her. I just want to lay here. That's all I ever want to do.
"Why?" I ask my mom.
"What do you mean?" She asks me.
"Why did this happen? One minute I was going to school, wrestling, I was happy. The next I was in a hospital told I have cancer and to expect the worst. We never see dad you are a hair from getting fired and Aiden well he is barely hanging on. He is failing school and could get kicked off the wrestling team if he doesn't get his grades up. Dad doesn't sleep and well me, I am the reason." I say close to tears, our family is falling apart and it is all my fault. I know it as much as they do even though they don't want to admit it.
"Don't cry." My mom says but it is easier said than done. "Remember when you were little. You got scared. You would say there is a monster under your bed. You wouldn't sleep in your room until I came and got rid of it. The funny part is your bed laid on the ground at the time." I smile as she tells me a memory I will always remember. "Well, I convinced you that you were strong enough to sleep in your room that that monster wouldn't hurt you if you showed it no fear. So you walked right into your room and you stayed there all night long. Same goes here, cancer is your monster and if you show it no fear you will fight it. You will fight it and one day your kids will know that you fought your monster." She says, it makes me feel brave I will admit but I still don't think I can fight this.
"What about the family?" I ask.
"We are still together. We will be fine. We are not going anywhere." She rubs my back to calm me. "You are very strong, Winter. I have seen you take in so many things that could take you down and yet each time you stood back up and conquered them. When Aiden could beat you in wrestling it made you so mad. He doesn't let you win you have to earn it and when you found that out you trained. You were out there on that mat out back every day with him training until one day you took him down. He didn't even see it coming.
Your body hurt so bad you had to take hot baths and rub Mineral Ice all over every night. You did it twice a day. Before school and before bed. That's how you became the best on the team. That wasn't your goal. Your goal was to take Aiden down. When you first tried the monkey bars you broke your nose. Well the next day you were back at that park doing them again and again until you made it all the way across. You had blisters and callouses all over your hands the next day but you did it.
When an older kid beat up Aiden you came home and you sat there and practiced fighting for months, you kicked the boxing bag and punched wood until you could break it. You had bruised hands with cuts but you wouldn't quit. The next time that kid picked on Adien you took him down. He went home crying. When you were in gym and you came in last place for the running you got so mad. You came home and ran everyday on the treadmill until you were the fastest in your class.
The next time you left them all in the dust and soon you became one of the fastest in your school. Everyone knows not to race you because they don't stand a chance. When you took dance and you couldn't do half of it but everyone else could you would come home and practice everyday until you got it right. You had rug burn on your knees and elbows from falling on the carpet and bruises from falling on the kitchen floor and the basement floor.
That didn't stop you. See everything I just said you got hurt when trying to get better and defeat your weakness. This is no different. You can fight it but you're going to get hurt trying, you just have to be strong enough to fight it." I smile, she can't see it though. Maybe she is right.