Blind Sided

Memories Wanted

It's been a total of 4 months at this point and can't even describe how I feel. I can try though. My bones hurt so much from the cancer and not any amount of pain medication will do anything to ease it. My calcium levels are high and my family is still scared.
     I have a long way to go before I am out of the woods and even then I'm still at the edge. Besides the constant tests and issues I have undergone the past 3 months and even know, Liv and I have become friends, I go see her nearly every day even though it is hard.
     We go to the butterfly room, play cards, and talk about life. She has been battling lung cancer since she was little. Lightning has stayed with me, she won't leave me no matter what. When dad tried to take her she cried until she was put back into the bed with me. She even fought him.
     He now has multiple scratches on him from her back claws and some bite marks. She won't let me go anywhere unless she is with me and when she does go she hisses at anything she sees as a threat to me. He quickly gave up on trying to take her home.
     School has ended and so has summer pretty much. I kept telling Aiden to go hang out with his friends and cause trouble but he wouldn't. His friends won't even talk to him anymore and I feel responsible. He tells me that it's their loss and I am more important but I still think he shouldn't have spent his whole summer in the hospital.
     There is a month left of summer and Aiden has kept his promise, he is going back to school but I seem to be getting worse. This scares me. Now that I am getting worse he doesn't want to go back and I know he doesn't but he won't admit it. He keeps on hinting it. He knows he made a promise and he is going to keep it. He always has and I will see sure he does.
     I have not reached stage two yet but I know I will soon. I can just feel it. I feel myself getting weaker and weaker. I can hardly walk have to be carried or put in a wheelchair. If I do walk it is short periods of time and my legs hurt soon. I have an even harder time going up and down stairs so I get carried or take an elevator. Aiden use to occupy his time by braiding my hair but know there is nothing to braid. It's all gone.
      I miss it the most and not because I liked my hair but because that was Aiden's favorite thing to do while we both sat here. Now we try to play cards but even I have gotten a short amount of patience for that. He will draw and so will I but when he really gets into the drawing we don't talk much and I liked playing cards or him braiding my hair because we bonded.
      One day Aiden came back and he had shaved his head, so did mom and dad. Jaelyn has come to visits me multiple times me even she shaved her head. Emma came to. We all went downstairs and hung out with Liv. Because it is summer time they can come by more and they often do when they are not busy.
      Today Emma and Jaelyn are coming. We are not going downstairs though. I have been looking forward to this for a whole week now. By now I have done everything there is left to do. I have played all the games and watched all the movies.
      I have read all the books and colored all the pictures in the coloring books. I have filled up my sketch book with ugly drawings that Aiden will fix later.
"Mom, could you ask if we can go out?" I ask. I have never asked that so she seems a bit shocked.
"What do you mean?" She asks me once getting over her shock.
"Like just go out, to a park. Get ice cream. I don't know I am so bored in here it is unreal." I say. She nods her head yes and she calls the doctor. He comes in a short while later.
"Can we take her out?" My mom asks the doctor. I want to bite my nails in anticipation of what he will tell me.
"That is fine, we actually were just about to come up. We wanted to tell you that if you would like to go home you can. There is regulations though. You still can not go to school and we need to see you weekly for testing. If you get a fever or something doesn't not feel right you need to come in." I can hardly hold in any excitement. He keeps talking but I don't notice.
     I have spent 3 months in a hospital and now I get to go back home. Why did it take so long? I don't even care I just want to go home. Very quickly Emma and Jaelyn show up. My dad puts everything into the car and I get dressed as fast as I can in some regular clothes, we put Lightning in the car.
     Emma and Jaelyn get in and so do I. We go to the park. I have to stay in my wheelchair though.
"Winter, do you want to try to do something?" Aiden asks me. "Maybe go down a slide or swing on a swing?" Usually I would turn him down but at the moment I don't see why not. I feel free now as weird as it sounds. I get up and slowly walk up the small steps meant for kids smaller than I am.
     Aiden stays with me. I go down the slide with my mom at the bottom in case I fall off the slide. I loved doing that, I loved it more in the winter time. Aiden takes me to the park and we go sledding down the big hills before sliding down the slides so fast we fly off them and land in the snow bank filled with laughter.
     We will laugh so hard our sides hurt. Then we will go home and mom will have hot chocolate and cookies she made. We call her a Betty Crocker around Christmas time because she is always in the kitchen baking sweets. I hope I get another Christmas with my family. I hope I get so much more with them. Emma and Jaelyn both go down the slide after I get off.
     I find it funny how one little activity can lead you to so many good memories with your family. It makes me really look at how much I have really taken for granted. My whole life I have taken having a mom and dad for granted, having endless laughter and memories, having holidays with who I love the most without even noticing it.
      Now I go down a slide or beat Aiden at a game of cards and I think it could be the last time I do it. I think that today could be my last day and I could take my last breath. Emma and Jaelyn play on the monkey bars. It is something I was never good at. Aiden grabs my waist to lift me up and I grab the bars.
     I remember being about 7 Aiden took me to the park and I tried to do the monkey bars. The only problem I could grab them well. When I tried to reach for a bar my hands slipped and I fell face first into the dirt. I broke my nose. Aiden grabbed me and carried me home a whole 6 blocks with his white shirt on my bleeding nose.
     He had left his phone at home and when we got home I was taken to the hospital quicker than I could comprehend what was going on. I slowly go across one by one grabbing the bars until I reach the end. I know he can feel my ribs as he holds me. I have lost a lot of weight since starting chemo and radiation because I never feel hungry and when I eat I usually throw it up soon after.
      He sets me down and lets me go and I know he wants to say something but he won't. When we are done at the park we go get ice cream. I just get a smoothie and we sit there. Many little kids that come look at me and adults seem to notice the most. They look at me like I am contagious and can get them sick. It makes me mad but it makes me more upset then angry though.
"What's wrong?" Dad asks me.
"Can we just go?" I ask. They nod their heads and we leave. When we get home we sit in the back.
"Good to be home?" Emma asks me.
"Yeah, now I just want to sleep in my bed." They end up going home very soon. I don't eat the dinner made for me. I sit at the table and take a few bites but nothing more. My stomach it telling me that I'm not hungry and don't try it. I just want to go to bed. That's all I ever want to do anymore.
      Aiden carries me upstairs and I brush my teeth. I miss standing here and having Aiden braid my hair. The nightly conversation we had and more. I lay down in bed. Lightning crawls in bed with me.
"Goodnight Ice." Aiden says.
"Goodnight." He closes the door and I hear him go to his room. When I hear his tv turn on and see the crack of light from under the door go out I get up. I tip-toe to my bookshelf and grab a notebook. I grab a pencil off my desk and a flashlight. I have something important to say and I fear I won't be alive long enough to say it.