It's an F'ed Up World and It's No Two-Player Game ~ Boyf rieds (Be More Chill)

Move on Forward, Leaving Your Friend Behind

AN- About half way through this chapter is when I start going off script. Or you could say that half way through this is when it gets really gay. ;)

~

Keanu Reeves is my default mode. You can also set me up for:
Sean Connery
Jack Nicholson
Sexy Anime Female

"Keanu's fine. How does this whole communication thing work?"

I exist only in your mind. All everyone else sees is you having an animated conversation with yourself. Just think at me. Like you're telepathic.

"Like in X-men?" I ask, still speaking out loud.

I can see this is going to be difficult. You want to be more chill.

You mean cool, I think, trying out this whole 'telepathic' stuff.

I do not. You see, human social activity is governed by rules and I have the processing capability to understand those rules. And pass them on to you. Take your hands out of your pockets, first of all. Arch your back and puff out your chest. You look like a masturbator with that walk of yours.

But I am a masturbator.

We'll fix that. All your nerdiness is ugly.

I thought I was more of a geek-

All your stammering's a chore.

Wh-wh-what?

Your charm is non-existent. We'll fix that and then some more.

Out of habit, I try to stick my hands in my pockets.

Buh,

Wha?

Buh,

Wha?

No

Aah!

Stop.

Uhh!

Everything about you is so terrible. It makes me wanna die.

Jesus Christ...

Don't freak out or resist. Just let me help, and then you can be more chill.

I start to slouch and feel an electric shock.

Did you just... shock me?!

Spinal stimulation. You were slouching. First things first, go buy a new shirt.

What's wrong with my-

Shh... It's better if you just comply. My job is to make you seem much less pathetic than you already are. Just step and fetch, don't question me.

I step into a store that I would never typically go into and begin looking around.

Pick that one.

It has a picture of Eminem.

If you're so astute, what do you need me?

Do people even still listen to Eminem?

Irrelevant. My quantum structure enables me to envision possible futures. I envision a future in which you wear in Eminem shirt and things turn out well.

What if someone quizzes me about his music?

My database is infinite and instantaneous.