You Were Never Alone

3 (Understand)

Head over tails. The slow rotational fall down...down...down.

The silver bends the light to appear as a dancer. Bending and contorting to look elegant and beautiful.

"What did you wish for?"

He looks down at the quarter laying at the bottom of the fountain," you're not supposed to tell."

Curious brown eyes reflect his own appearance," you always told me 'fore."

For an seven year old, with the highest reading level in his grade, Jack is still cutting off words. Silently they all know lack of paternal figure has something to do with this speech under-development.

"It was nothing special Jack. Just some dumb adult wish," they both know he's lying but Jack let's it go. He decides that their atmosphere is more interesting than his father's wish. His dark brown eyes scan over the people walking around them. He grabs his father's hand and pulls him away from the fountain.

"Did you miss me?" Jack asks swinging their joined hands. He skips and bounces along the sidewalk with the brightest smile in the world.

"Everyday."

This. This is not a lie.

The genuine smile that is washed over Jack speaks honestly. It's also the first real smile Hotch has given since returning.

He smiled at Garcia when she nearly caved his ribs in with a hug. He smiled when Rossi pulled him into a hug. He even smiled at Reid. He didn't smile for his own good he smiled for theirs. That's good. Deep down, being suffocated by his mental walls and armour, there's still a piece of the old him.

"Do you think we can go to Uncle Dave's party?" Jack asks grinning up at his father with his best puppy eyes. Aunt Pen had told him that 'how can I say no to big brown eye's like those? God, I'd sell my soul for these eyes.'

His optimism washes away when he sees his father's shoulders drop. "If you really want to go we can."

Jack face falls and he starts shaking his head, back pedaling. "No it's fine. We don't have to go. I just-" He roughly rubs the tears out of his eyes. He could yell at himself. What was he thinking! What gives you the right to ask for anything. He's going to leave you again. You're selfish and stupid. He hates you. Why wouldn't he? You can't do anything right!

"Jack. Jack!" Hotch scoops his son up and rubs his back," calm down. What's gotten into you?"

Jack wraps his arms around Hotch's neck. "Promise you won't leave again. I'll be good. I promise. We don't have to go to Uncle Dave's. I don't even want to go anymore."

The entire world drops. Jack thinks I left because of him? His heart aches for the little boy in his arms. "Listen to me, buddy. I didn't leave because of you. I left because..." because you wanted to punish yourself for not being fast enough...because you didn't think you deserved to be comforted... because you're a selfish bastard. Hotch kisses Jack's head," I would never leave because of you Jack. I love you too much."

Jack sniffles but doesn't let go. "Would you have stayed if Emmy had stayed?"

"I..." his mouth is dry. Emmy. When had he started calling her that?

"Emmy didn't make you leave did she?" Jack asks tapping Hotch's collar bone.

"Of course not," Hotch whispers, blinking away tears. He puts Jack down," now come on. We're going to Uncle Dave's."

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"He won't drink it," Jack chirps happily. Children are not stupid. In reality they are anything but. They're just young.

"He won't?" Dave asks pouring more chocolate milk into Jack's cup.

"Nope," Jack munches happily on his cookie. "He'll just hold it."

Sometimes the only way to get information is through children. They know more than you and they don't always know it.

"What does he do then?" Emily asks sliding Jack another cookie.

"Looks at the window," Jack shrugs, he doesn't know why he just knows that's all dad does. "I don't think he's looking out the window." Jack smiles and shows Emily his cookie," look it! See how big that chocolate chip is!"

Emily smiles and admires the abnormally large chocolate chip," it's great Jack. Now, Jack, tell me why you don't think Daddy isn't looking out the window?"

Jack shrugs and nibbles his cookie contently. "Don't know. He just isn't."

He spins in the bar stool. He smiles at his cookie again before shoving the remander in his mouth.

Both adults look Hotch over.

Emily's eyes slide over his body like perspiration on a cold glass. His whole body has thinned. It's no surprise that he hasn't worn a suit to work yet, none of them probably fit him correctly. He went from slim and as fit as he had time for to slim because everyday he went through break-back work outs.

A part of her wants to reach through him and rattle his very core. To make him understand... what does she want him to understand? That she loves him? That she misses him? That needs him? It sounds so selfish. It misses the meaning. God, words can't explain the meaning. It sounds cheesy and made up.

She wants to take him by the sides of shirt and pull his lips to hers. She wants him to feel her pain. Make him feel this.

Like being complelty full yet barren. Being there but somewhere else. Belonging but not fitting. Taking air in but not breathing. Seeing but not feeling. Whole but missing. Surviving but not living.

Moving on but still lounging.

Well there's another chapter up and done. Honestly, right now I could write a book. But I mean....eh. Do you see my problem?

-SH