Papercut | Akutagawa Ryūnosuke; AR [✔]

05 → Late Night Talks

• Mitsuya Ira •

"A servant of mine does not wimp out!"

"You are a weak and pathetic trash! You do not deserve to be called mine-- my servant!"

"You are nothing but a tool to follow orders!"

Akutagawa's words continuously rang in my head like my favorite song on repeat. His voice is like the only thing I hear everyday -- first thing in the morning, during class, lunch time, and before I go to bed. Something about him speaking to me makes me feel soothed and relaxed, no matter how harsh he may try to deliver it.

I looked down to my sketch pad, staring at my unfinished drawing of a beautiful scenery that I have witnessed today. I should really be sleeping right now so that I may fully recover from my casualties, but here I am finding myself wide awake at 23:30.

I decided to finish my sketch as quickly as I can, picking up my book and went to lay in bed afterwards. Opening the book from where I left off, I read it out loud to myself.

"How to Make Your Senpai Notice You, Volume 4 tips," I said to myself. "Be the person that you truly are; if you are dramatic, be dramatic. If you are quite the mean type, stay who you are. Never change yourself for your senpai -- he will accept you for who you are."

Reading that passage made me wonder, "But I've been who I am ever since... and yet no one has noticed my worth."

Oh shut up, Ira. Don't act like you're in love, my subconscious told me.

I heavily sighed, hating how my thoughts are randomly thinking of stuff I don't usually think. As I was about to read another passage, someone had knocked on the door. I said nothing and the person welcomed himself in.

"You're still up, I see," Dazai entered my room holding a tray. "I want to talk to you for a while."

The smell of earl grey tea start to spread across the room, which is -- I guess -- not that bad. Dazai placed the tray next to my bed and sat down beside me.

I picked up the cup and took a sip, and Dazai did the same. He looked at me in that dorky manner again before speaking.

"I made this tea so you'd talk to me." Dazai spoke, trying to sound very cute and all (even though he is already cute).

Choking a little from what he said, I laughed before proceeding. "I would talk even without the tea, Dazai."

Dazai laughed back, but then suddenly looked at the book that I was holding. From cutie to serious real quick he asked me "Do you like anyone from campus?"

A gush of blood rose to my cheeks, feeling flustered from the question. Suddenly I just didn't have the courage to look at Dazai straight in the face, but it's not like he is the answer to the question, either.

"Don't be shy, Ira," he smiled, taking another sip from his tea. "Think of me as your parent; you can tell me anything."

I stared at my reflection on the tea, still unable to assemble coherent thoughts to answer. In the end, I ended up saying "Well, yes I do, but--"

"Aww! My Ira is all grown up now!" Dazai burst in tears of joy, giving me a tight hug. "Who would it be, my dear~?"

"Uh..." I trailed off, hesitating on whether I should say it or not. "I don't know, Dazai, really. My feelings are all messed up."

"That's okay, feelings are messed up by nature."

"Besides," I continued, finishing the tea and putting the cup back on the tray that he brought. "I feel like I have no rights to have feelings for anyone or whatsoever."