Crossed Lines

48.

"No. I'm going to work a little later."

"Good"

"Aren't you going to be late?"

"I'm the boss Mel."

"Right." I look around, waiting for him to finish. It's all very awkward and uncomfortable. He walks up to me and I look up to his face. He suddenly moves away.

"We should probably go." he walks out of the room and I take a huge breath. I follow and soon we're driving to a coffee shop nearby. He's only watching the road and he looks deep in thought. None of us say a word. I wonder where this is going, we can't carry on like this. I don't think being friends will ever be enough for us. Ever.

When you care about someone as much as I care about this man next to me, being friends and only friend's kind of hurts. I can't even count the amount of times I wanted to kiss him and hold him since waking up. how much I long to be in his arms. To be his again. it's painful not being able to do all that. It's even worse when you know that he doesn't feel the same. I thought meeting up with him would give me some sort of closure, but I've just hurt myself more. Last night just proved to be a reminder that he's not mine anymore.

I quickly wipe my eyes as a few tears start falling. I berate myself for always being so emotional around him and always damn crying. I turn my head to the window and I take a few deep breaths. How can I be the only one breaking down? How can I be the only on hurting? How is he still fine?

It feels like the very start of our relationship. Him always being distant and me always running after him. following him. hoping he'll wait for me to catch up but it always feels as though he's constantly walking away, because he knows that I'll always be running after him, looking for him. He has his own path that he's walking on. I was so busy running after him, that I lost my own path. His footprints are all I see. Mine disappeared a long time ago. Now I'm struggling to get back. It feels as though I'm stuck in the woods, with no sense of direction.

He stops at the coffee shop and we both climb out. I wait for him to take my hand like he always does but then reality hits. He's not going to. He's not mine to hold anymore. We find a table then he orders us some breakfast. We make small talk through breakfast but it's just not us. I miss the old us. I hardly touched my food. I took two bites and played with the rest. I just didn't have an appetite. Zayn tried to get me to eat more but he gave up, after scolding me that is.

*cue- eye roll

After breakfast, we head to my apartment and Zayn says he'll wait for me to get dressed then drop me off at work again. after getting dressed, I realize I still have some time before I should get to work so we watch some TV for time being.

"Why are you so quiet?" he asks me and I shrug.

"No reason."

"Mel, please talk to me."

"I am."

"Please. Just talk to me."

"Fine. I just don't think this is working."

"Being friends?"

"Yeah. I just can't do it."

"Why?"

"Because it hurts. Maybe not for you, but for me it does."

"You're the one who broke it off."

"Yeah, you keep bringing it up." I roll my eyes and I turn my body towards him on the couch. "I keep coming back to you and it hurts more every time I leave. I can't keep kissing you, sharing a bed with you, then carry on as if nothing happened and that we're just "friends". You know how I feel about you and you use that to your advantage."

"You know I want you back. You're the one who's insisting that we stay apart."

"Yes Zayn because our problems are never going to end. We keep fighting about the same things over and over. I'm tired of getting hurt, but that's all that seems to happen."

"We are not the first interracial couple; neither are we going to be the last. The problems that you think are so huge and defining our relationship, are nothing. Imagine if we were to get married or have kids there would be a whole new world of problems. We can sort this out. Work through them. Every relationship has its own problems. Racist people and disapproving parents should be the last of our problems."

"Yes but I felt like I was the only one who actually wanted to be in this relationship sometimes. I felt as though it was always me against you and the world. It shouldn't be like that. It should've been us against it all. I've dealt with racism my whole life, I've learned to deal with it, but I've never fallen for someone so hard, when they didn't even bother to fight for our relationship. In fact, I've never fallen for anyone and it hurt me so much when you never defended us."

"You think it was fun for me? I told you there are only two people in this relationship. You and I are all that matters. Nobody else. I don't care what other people have to say. I like you the way you are. You are beautiful regardless of your skin tone, race, ethnicity, religion or whatever, in fact, you are beautiful because of all those things. Those things don't bother me. they make you who you are and I like everything about you. I wouldn't change a thing about you."

"That's beautiful Zayn, it really is. But those words mean nothing if you never prove them. I just want you to decide what exactly it is that you want. Because I can't lose myself completely to you. I must save some for myself. Maybe for someone who's willing to let people know that we're dating, his family, friends, everyone. Someone who is willing to stand up for us and someone who sees the possibility of a future with me."

We're quiet for a few seconds and we're staring at one another.

"After my parents' death. I promised myself that I would never allow myself to hurt like that. Losing someone who means so much to you, screws you up. I was fine until you came along, you made me feel all these things I didn't want to. You're so close yet so far and I can't keep reaching for you. I can't keep hurting myself for your sake."

"It hasn't been a walk in the park for me either Mel. My dad and I have always been close. I've always valued his advice and support tremendously. He helped me become the man I am today."

"So what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that it's hard for me to ignore him on something as big as this. You know I'm not always open when it comes to emotions and stuff. I don't have everything figured out but what I do know is that I don't want to lose you. I care about you a lot."

"Not enough though. I can't wait for you to finally make up your mind."

"You want me to choose between you and your parents?"

"No. I just want you to choose us. I don't want to just be there. We're too old to be playing games. I'm going to want to get married soon and start a family. You must decide if you want that, and if you don't want that, then please give the person who's meant to be that guy a chance. Don't be selfish. Be honest and true with yourself."

"I am and I want you in my life. I don't want to lose you. you've become a big part of my life Mel. I never played games with you. it has always been a constant battle with me, I know I want you I just..." he pauses and it looks like he's struggling to find the appropriate words.

After checking the time, I let him know that I should be at work soon. We drive in silence once again, both too lost in our own thoughts. He stops at the practice and I look at him before climbing out.

"Where do you see us in a few months, maybe years?" he opens his mouth but closes it again. then again. "It's all in or I'm out. Think about that."