Crossed Lines

35.

The following day is gruesome but somehow exciting. Today we have to give in our hypothesis it feels a lot like Varsity. We start very early and I'm glad I slept early yesterday. We clock in and then we're off to our department. Once again this morning, Jim greets us and he explains today's procedures. It's not very different from yesterday.

Today's scenario kind of hit home. First up is the effect of the loss of both parents, would have on an individual. They start of by answering a few questions. It's interesting though. I strongly believe that people react different to situations or occurrences. Basing your study on few people out of a trillion others, is not comprehendible to me. Don't get me wrong I love the work I do and I believe this research could help people. I just wonder about the other behaviors or reaction people have, that we never get to see or observe.

Willing myself to stop thinking so much, I continue with the work. Before I know it it's the end of the day. It's well past five as we head over to our apartments. This is how the week goes more or less. It's work, sleep and going out for dinner once or so. I think we're starting to get used to the work and the hours we spend on it. Not that it makes it less tiring. During this entire week I probably spoke to my family and friends about once. I'm just too tired to be able to hold a conversation over the phone for too long. The second week passes by in a blur.

The third week isn't much better. The workload gets more intent and more tiring. At this point I hardly talk to anyone except the people I work with. Zayn and I hardly talk and I start to feel the actual distance between us. I have a feeling that he feels I'm ignoring or avoiding him. Whenever we do talk one of us is too tired or too busy. I understand where he's coming from, but he also has to understand I'm not doing it on purpose. It's just the work. I realize with a sinking heart that the calls and texts get shorter and less frequent.

Sometime during the fourth week, I think about if I were to get the offer to move here permanently. It could never work. I already feel like we've drifted too far apart, and it's only been three weeks. It would have to be him or the job. Besides, the fact that I moved all the way to London for work, makes it a pretty obvious answer. I can literally feel the doubt coming back to me. Could I expect a future with a man whose parents disapprove of me? I don't want to marry into a family where I'll feel uncomfortable most of the time. If he even wants to marry me.

I realize that I'm getting ahead of myself. He hasn't even told me he loves me yet, but here I am thinking about marriage. We've only been dating a few months but it feels like years already. There are too many issues around every corner. New relationships aren't supposed to be this much work. I admit, it hasn't been all bad. We've had our good times. Perhaps that's all they'll ever be.

Somewhere at the back of my brain I've already accepted that we could end at any moment. And with my whole being, I know that it would crush me. Is that why I'm holding on to this relationship? Because I want to prolong the inevitable hurt, even though I'm not sure where we would end up. I think this is the reason why I've never been in love. I don't like the idea of someone having so much power over me. Knowing that they could hurt me with just one sentence.

Even in the midst of my growing doubts, I know that I have never felt this way about anyone before. Not even close. Sure I had my fair share of crushes and relationships but none of them compare to this one. My other relationships were easy, comfortable and I hardly had doubts. They weren't too intense or boring either. I've been loved but never had I loved back. I think I can begin to understand how those guys felt.

I might be leaving in few days but before that I have reports to write. Shaking myself from my complicated love life, I get back to work. It's a great way to just forget about everything. After a few hours on my laptop, I'm finally done. It's just after nine when I finish and decide to Skype Zayn. It doesn't go through so I try to facetime him but it only rings a few times and then sends me to voicemail.