Crossed Lines

44.

I have never been so happy to go back to work. Once I start with work, I realize how much I missed it. It's a bit tricky falling back into my normal routine with old and new clients but I enjoy it. Most of all, I enjoy the distraction. I throw myself into my work every single day. I don't think I have ever done this much research since I started working here. That's all I've been doing really. Work. Eat. Sleep. That's been my coping mechanism. But it only works for so long before I start noticing all the missing things.

You would never have guessed that from the few months that we were together, that this breakup would have such a big impact on me. I find myself waking up every morning and checking my phone for the usual good morning texts he used to send, or before sleeping waiting for that goodnight text, obviously finding nothing. I think it's really starting to settle in. What makes it worse is what one of the magazines had to say about it.

I was at home on Thursday afternoon when Cate came home and she had a magazine in her hand. Usually it's not something I really care about it, but when she tried to hide it from me, did I start caring. Though I don't think she was hiding it, I think she was just skeptical in showing me. so after telling her that I could handle whatever it was, she finally showed me.

On the one side of the page was a picture of Mark picking me up at the airport when I came back. One where we were hugging. One where he slapped my ass and one where I kissed his cheek. I admit we might probably look like a couple and that's exactly what the magazine said. On the other side was a picture of Zayn at both dinners with Connie or whatever her name was. Basically, it said that Zayn and I had broken up and that I went away to heal my 'broken heart' and that in that time we both moved on. They claimed that I was just a passing fling to him and to be honest, I believe them. They also said, in not so many words, that everybody saw this coming and it was n matter of time before he moved on to something better.

I guess I was the only one.

Then came Friday. My first weekend without him. I miss him like crazy. It starts with the small things. Actually no, it's totally random sometimes. I could just look at something and then think about him. I could smell something and it would remind me of him. I start missing the texts, the calls then the conversations, hugs and kisses. Next it's the dates we've had, then the sleepovers. Then his voice, his scent. Running my hair through his hair. His tattoos. His smirk. his smile. His laugh. his warmth. Him.

That leads to me sitting here in my room with my finger hovering over the call button. His name haunting me, telling me to click on it. I can't though. I miss him but I don't want to be weak anymore. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to forget about this pain, and if that means forgetting about Zayn then that's what I'll do. I close my eyes for a few seconds and my decision is made. I will not wallow in self-pity anymore. Maybe it's time I move on. We haven't talked this whole week and that should've been my first clue. Maybe I'm holding on to something that's not even there.

I lock my phone and I watch television. Greys is playing but I'm a little distracted. I switch the TV off and I stare at the ceiling. I decide that tonight is my last night of heartache. After this I'm going to move on, as hard as it may be. I won't look back anymore. He was a part of my life for a while and now he's out it. Simple as that. But it's never that simple, is it? I walk over to my closet and I take out one of his black shirts. He left two and one of his hoodies. I'll have to give it back sometime but for now, I take all my clothes off and I slip his shirt on. It smells like him. I stand there for a second then I go to sleep. Ready to leave it all behind me when I wake up.

Except that one night turned to the two, then three. I've been sleeping in Zayn's shirt for the whole weekend and in some messed up way, it was giving me comfort. How could he not miss me? how could he be so quiet for a whole damn week? I doubt he's sleeping in one of my shirts right now. I can't help but laugh at the image of Zayn trying to fit into one of my shirts.