blue neighbourhood

WILD (part two.)

and here is everything i haven't yet told you.

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18:34; 6th march 2008.

dear diary,

i don't know what this is, but i know daddy wouldn't like it.

her name is lauren, and she's all i ever think about. she's my best friend, so it figures. all i ever do is spend time with her, all i ever want to do it spend time with her; i think that's what's so wrong about it. and, maybe, that's weird. but i can't help it. i can't. i've tried

i told marie the other day, and she told me that maybe it was a crush. and i asked if that was weird. and she said "not really"; that would be fine, that it was something normal that happened often nowadays with young people, but she didn't sound very convinced. she sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than me. and that scares me. because, if my dad's coworker isn't sure, then who will be? who will be there to reassure me that it's okay?

my dad?

and that brings me right back to lauren. because, usually, she would be that person. but, this time, she can't be, because, this time, i'm uncertain about her.

and that is probably the weirdest part of it all - i've never been unsure about any aspect of lauren. and now i am.

and that's what scares me the most - i should at least be sure.

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5:46; 17th june 2008.

dear diary,

lauren and i, we climbed a tree today. that's a pretty normal thing to do, i guess. but the sun was especially beautiful, and i couldn't help but stare at it. the colours on the edges of it, they were so beautiful and bright that they reminded me of lauren's smile. the way the light bounced off the leaves, and the shade of green that it created, that reminded me of her eyes. and i wanted to turn, and i wanted to look at her.

but i didn't, because i didn't have to - her face is engraved in my memory.

i'm eleven, now. that's weird, because it means i'm no longer a kid. and that's weird. but what's even weirder is the fact that i can't stop thinking about lauren. and my dad, well, he told me that he knew he loved my mom when he realised that he couldn't stop staring at her. i'm trying to stop myself from staring.

maybe i love lauren. and that's scary.

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22:35; 13th august 2008

dear diary,

my dad got hold of you yesterday. i don't know how you managed to give yourself away like that. he didn't read past the first few pages, though. i assume he gave up because he couldn't decipher my handwriting. i'm glad, oh how i am glad. he's not the type of man that would be elated that his daughter thinks she loves her best friend.

no. actually, that would be fine. if her best friend happened to be a boy. which she isn't. so, in hindsight, no, he wouldn't be happy.

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13:41; 21st july 2010

"let's run away". she said it like nothing would happen if we did. she whispered it, almost as if she was scared that anyone else would hear anything that she said. she whispered it in my ear, slowly, dragging out each word, and then she looked me in the eyes, and she gave me her smile - the smile that would make me jump off a mountain if she asked me to.

i chuckled, acting as if i thought that she was joking, acting as if i didn't think she was serious. and, at first, i didn't think she was. it seemed almost impossible that lauren, the perfection of a person that i knew, would suggest doing anything of the sort. it was impossible. at least it had been before. but she had a blazing look in her eyes, which spoke volumes.

it said:

"come with me; follow me. you know that i would never hurt you, that i would never let anyone hurt you, that i would protect you with my life. i would kill to make sure that you were okay. that's all i need, confirmation that you're okay, and i know that we'll be fine. we don't need anything; we don't need it.

i just need you."

and i hoped that my eyes didn't give away as much as lauren's, because, at the moment, i burned for what lauren suggested to be true, for it to be possible.

but i know it isn't.

i know it.

i am as certain of it as i am of my own identity. while lauren can do me no wrong, the rest of the world certainly can.

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15:49; 6th august, 2011

i looked at her for a long time today. we were watching spongebob, like we usually do, and suddenly i didn't want her to be my patrick anymore, like she said she was. i wanted her to be so much more than my bestfriend. so i looked sideways at her, and she looked at me again, and i started to lean in.

and she sat up.

and i've known lauren for a long time, so i knew that she only sat up because she was nervous. i smiled. just before she left, it happened again, she nearly kissed me. i closed my eyes, to make it easier for her. and she kissed my cheek, then ran out.

i think i'm in love with her.

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i know this is short, but that's what it's intended to be like. this is camila's perspective. more will come soon :)

-em.