Powerless Love

Chapter 1

May 16, 2017
Isabella

I sat back in the café chair and glanced at Aiden, letting my legs dangle above the tile flooring. Isn't it funny how just one person can destroy so many lives? Sometimes I wonder how different everything would have been if I had just met Aiden at a different time with a different group of friends.

Although he had grown a bit more muscular, his face and eyes had somehow lost their natural glow. For a while I just looked over at him and admired his features; his nose was pink and his eyes were greener than usual. By just acknowledging his presence, a whole supply of emotions I'd been trying to bury bursted inside of me. I got this feeling of comfort and belonging. The way everything seemed so peaceful and quiet warmed my heart and flooded my mind with calmness. I glanced at him once more and our eyes intensely sparkled- our tongues were tangled from the overflow of emotions and memories.

"I miss us," he blurted and scratched his neck. I miss us too. I miss hugging you and I miss the way you always listened. Feelings were exploding inside of me, but I couldn't just forgive him. I couldn't just smile as if I'd never shed a tear for him. I couldn't just hug him and tell him that I loved him. By just looking at his face I remembered all the nights where my lips would start shaking and tears would build up quickly and fall fast. Where I'm bent over trying to suck it in and not make any noise, but it hurts. So much. 

I couldn't help but remember how I dumbly assumed that if he saw all the broken pieces of me, he'll try and put them back together, lovingly and with care. I assumed that he'll give me extra attention and reassure me how much I meant to him. Instead, what I got back was more broken pieces than I even started with and an apology with him saying, "I cannot be with someone so broken."

"I'm sorry," he whispered sending shivers through my body. Sorry. Such a simple word that could neither fix my scattered pieces nor take away the thoughts that ate me alive.

I shook my head hoping that it would somehow make my thoughts get lost, "I know you are, I know that. I have always known that you're sorry." I felt something undefinably tragic built up on my heart.

Awkward silence fell between us as I sipped from my hot chocolate. My love for Aiden was almost like a fireplace inside my mind. Warming me up with the good memories, but as I became more and more in love with him, it spread. It spread until my entire mind was fire. Every single part of it. And I just sat next to him, letting my mind burn.

"Bel," he sighed, "do you hate me?" His emerald green eyes shone with tears.

I really wished I hated him, but I knew I was no where near even disliking him and I hated myself for it. I was mad at myself for always thinking about him, dreaming of him, crying over him, but most of all, for not hating him, which I know I should. But I just can't.

I gave him a skeptical look, "Of course not."

He sighed and looked away for a moment, "You were always so kind to me." Those words shot through my heart, ripping it apart like an arrow.

"Then why were you always so cruel to me?" I replied in a whisper as tears threatened to spill down my somber cheeks.

I remember the day the cruel, cold words came out of his mouth so clearly. I felt like my heart was about to shatter in a million pieces, like a vase being dropped to the floor. Like a brick wall about to crumble, like I was gonna fall.