Crossing The i's And Dotting The t's

(XIX) Confusion

May 2018

My school life ended officially once I was done writing my last board exam, psychology. I had a feeling that I'd done well in my entrance too. I was satisfied with all my exams.

Now all I could do was wait.

And think.

And think a lot while waiting.

I remembered all my conversations with Aditya. I remembered the extra-large chocolate cones we used to share. I remembered the way we used to talk about our friends. I remembered how his shirt used to be ruffled and stained by different paints. I remembered his untidy, curly, inky black hair. I remembered his playful yet arrogant smile, which used to be wider on the left side of his face. I tried to remember many, many more things.

But my memories of him were starting to fade away.

I couldn't remember the colour of his eyes, the shape of his nose and, worst of all, the sound of his voice.

It was like trying to recall the contents of a photograph, one which I hadn't seen for a very long time. Everything seemed dull and lifeless and glazed over.

I missed him so much.

Sometime during the end of May, I got a call from Karan. I blankly looked at my phone for a minute before swiping a green arrow across his smiling face.

"Hello," I greeted reflexively.

"Hey Ashiana, how're you?" His voice was quiet, subdued, sad.

"I'm fine I guess. How are you?"

There was a slight pause and I suddenly thought that he might be crying.

Or worse...

"Are you there?" I asked, panicked.

"I'm also doing fine I think," he said, not answering my previous question. "Though I was feeling quite miserable a while ago and I reached out for my phone to call...him...and then I realised...and so I called you."

"Yes that makes sense."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we never talk to each other over the phone," I elaborated.

"Yeah."

None of us spoke for a span of time and I stared at the muted television, then,

"Ash I miss him."

My stomach clenched at that. I tried stopping it but a tear escaped from my eye.

"Me too." The words came out too thick, too heavy.

"I tried deleting his contact but I couldn't. How do I drag his number to the trash can? The same number I used to dial everyday." His voice shook.

I had deleted his number the minute I had stepped out of his parents house, the day after his cremation.

"I understand."

I didn't.

"He was my best friend," he continued. "And now I can't bring myself to say his name."

Despite my overwhelming emotions, I chuckled.

"Yeah, you guys were like two insomniac phone buddies. Talk about bromance."

"We were two insomniac phone buddies." He laughed as well.

There was a heavy pause after that, in which it suddenly hit me what I was laughing at, I'm sure Karan realised it too.