This Boy - Mclennon

Chapter 25: Your Mother Should Know

Beautiful Paul. Loving Paul.

Hurting Paul.

"Paul are you okay?" I asked as I stood up out of the bed, untangling a few of the wires still wrapped around my torso and legs. Paul stood up and handed me my shirt, with a smile that I had seen before. It was an extremely fake smile. "I'm okay." He nodded. "I scared you... didn't I?" I asked, gently and slowly reaching out and taking one of his hands. "It's getting hard, John..." Paul said quietly, loosely and barely holding my hand back. My stomach sank. "What d'ye mean?" I asked kind of sternly, afraid of his response.

"Come in, John. Let's go home. I don't care t'talk about this here." Paul said, pulling me toward the door. I yanked him back, a little too aggressively I must admit. "No, talk to me now." I urged. Paul's shoulders sunk and he leaned against the closed door.

"Are ye callin' this off? Runnin' away because ol' Lennon is a nutter?" I asked, trying to sound as tough as possible but I knew he saw through it. He saw through the tough exterior I had spent years and years perfecting to the soft, scared little boy who was petrified of abandonment. "Don't pull that shite with me, John Lennon." Paul said, his eyes piercing through me. "I'm not leavin', ye daft git. Stop actin' like that, or else maybe I will bloody leave. Yer not the only one struggling, d'ye realize that? D'ye realize that on top of everything that I'm strugglin' with, I've got t'help you with what YOU'RE strugglin' with. I've always bloody said I'd be there for you, John. I love you. I'm just.... I'm just hurtin' too." Paul's tone changed by the end of his ranting, he went from angry red faced Paul, back to soft loving Paul.

"I'm sorry.. it's easy t'forget sometimes that ye have yer own shite. Ye just seem to handle it so well. I dunno." I tried to apologize, now realizing that the medication had kicked in and the voices had stopped. I smiled to myself.

Just as Paul tried to speak, we were interrupted again by a nurse. "Oh, you've already gotten off the machines?" She said with her eyebrows raised. "Yes, another nurse just came in and did it, ta love." I smiled and hoped she bought it. "Alright, get well." She smiled and left the room.

"Paul... m'love... I'm sorry," I said quietly as I approached him, putting my hands on his hips. He looked up at me with his big, sad doe-eyes and let out a single tear. "I saw her, John.. I saw me Mum.." Paul whimpered. I quickly pulled him into my arms and squeezed him tightly. I felt his hands tightly gripping my shirt, and his tears flow onto my neck. "There's no reason to keep it all inside, love." I whispered into his hair as I placed a few pecks on the top of his head. "She's only protectin' ye, I promise." I reminded him softly. I gently pulled him off my shoulder so I could look at him.

God, how beautiful he was. The way his long beautiful eyelashes fluttered when he spoke, the way his eyebrow arched and the way his plump bottom lip hung open. His beautiful chubby cheeks pink and rosy. I closed the space between us and lightly pressed my lips against his. "C'mon, m'love. Let's go home." I smiled into the kiss, quickly breaking it to grab my medication and shove the small bottle into my pocket and lead him out the door.

"You need to go see Mimi," Paul mumbled as we exited the hospital that we both seemed to now know too well and into the rain, I noticed Paul look up to the grey Liverpool sky. "I think we both just need to get some rest, how about that?" I suggested as we took the turn toward Forthlin Road. Paul just smiled and nodded.

"Whaddya think about takin' Jim t'court?" I finally asked, addressing the elephant that had been following us. Paul let out a deep sigh, as if he too was preparing for the topic to be brought up. "I think I want to, I just know it'll be difficult. I don't want t'talk about that time of me life anymore, especially to strangers." Paul admitted as we finally approached his home, stepping inside out of the cold rain. "Ah, Gin must be out picking up Mike from school." Paul observed as he sat down in the kitchen. I started the kettle and sat down next to him. 

"I know it would be tough, m'love, but you know it'd be so worth it. And even more so, I would be with you the entire time. I would be so proud. We've come so far from those horrible times with Jim, he deserves to rot in a jail cell. Don't you agree?" I asked him, hoping I wasn't crossing any lines by discussing it with him too extensively. "Agree? Of course I agree. That man ruined me entire childhood, messed up me damn ribs forever and worse, he messed up me damn mind forever. Let's do it, Johnny. Let's throw the bastard away." Paul told me as he kissed my cheek. "That's my boy." I smiled and kissed his soft lips. "It'll be hard.." He said softly. I noticed his eyes beginning to wander away from me and to the chair next to me. The chair that had been used by Jim McCartney to shatter Paul's bones. 

I picked up his face by the chin with my index finger. His eyes looked scared and absent. "It's only me, Macca." I said softly. A smile grew on his face, before the kettle began screaming, causing us both to jump. We both laughed and I stood up to make the tea. "It'll all work out. Pretty soon, there won't be a free Jim McCartney to worry about." I told him as I brought him his tea, and sat down with mine. "You're right I suppose. Perhaps we should call that lawyer and see what he's got to say then, huh?" Paul questioned and blew on his hot tea. "Tomorrow, love. Look at me, for Christ's sake Paulie! I must look like the damned grim reaper. I don't have any more energy in me, love." I tried to make him smile, and I was successful in doing so. "You look bloody handsome to me." Paul blushed a little bit and sipped away on his tea. 

"I am sorry 'bout before too, Paul. I dunno what came over me, but the voices were real bad. I'm really sorry." I told him, gently placing my hand on top of his. "Have a talent for scarin' the hell out of me, you must have." Paul giggled a little bit and laced his beautiful fingers with mine. Our hands quickly pulled away from one another's as we heard Gin open the front door. Mike rushed into the kitchen. "Hello!" His small voice lit up the room. Paul's smile widened and his eyes lit up at the sight of his younger brother, embracing him in a tight hug. "How was school, lad?" Paul asked him as he picked him up and placed him on his lap. As Mike spoke about the nonsensical day only a child his age could find exciting, I noticed how intently and happily Paul was focused on him. He took every word out of Mike's mouth to heart, smiling the entire time. Gin obviously hadn't told him about me getting stabbed. 

"And that was my day Paulie! What about your's? Was it exciting?" Mike asked, yawning and resting his head on his older brother's shoulder. "Oh yes, Mike. It was bloody exciting." Paul said, making eye contact with me and smiling.

That smile could save lives.