This Boy - Mclennon

Chapter 17: I'll Cry Instead

A/N:  AHHHH THE APPOINTMENT

~John's~

I had to admit Ritchie was an amazing drummer. I wanted him in the band. But every time I looked at his smug little face I heard the voices in my head telling me to kick his ass again. But, I didn't. Paul was very content and forgave him very quickly last night. Paul asked me to spend the night, but I said no. I needed some time to myself before my appointment today. Although I knew he understood, he was still upset I wasn't going home with him.

My appointment was in a half an hour. I grabbed the phone and dialled Paul's number.

"Hello?"

"Paul? It's John."

"I've been waiting for your call. What time are we meetin' up love?" He asked, I could tell he was excited.

"I'll come get ye' now." I said and then hung up the phone. Way to be nice. I was scared, okay? I didn't want the worst possible news. I knew there was an outcome that could completely end Paul and I, and I didn't want that. I didn't blame Paul for pushing me toward an appointment though, I knew he was right.

I walked to his house and fought with myself in my head.

It's not gonna go well. Bail out. Don't go.

Go, this is your only chance at a normal life with Paul.

This going to end you and Paul.

Shut the hell up, we're here.

I knocked on Paul's door nervously. The door opened and revealed his beautiful, flawless face. You shouldn't bring him. I began to walk away from his house, he was close behind me. "John!" He tried to catch up. Don't be unfair. I stopped and turned to him. "I'm sorry m'love. It's not you. I'm just..." I began, not wanting to admit to him that I was scared. "I know John. I'm here." He smiled at me as he casually touched the small of my back as we approached the doctor's office.

"Are you ready?" Paul asked as he opened the door for me. I nodded. "I wish I could kiss you." I mumbled as I walked by him, through the door. I approached the nurses' desk as Paul took a seat in the waiting area. "Name?" She said. "John Winston Lennon." I mumbled back. "Take a seat, the doctor will be ready any moment now." She smiled and gestured toward the waiting area, where my lovely boy was waiting for me. Just call him your bloody boyfriend ya fag. I sat down next to Paul. "Do you think they're going to let you come in with me?" I asked, nervously. Paul looked around the room, scanning it before taking my hand. "I hope so." He answered, quietly.

"John Lennon?" The doctor said, coming out from around the corner. My stomach flipped. I stood up. "My friend.. Can he come in?" I asked, my voice obviously shaking. The doctor nodded. "Follow me." I smiled at Paul, who took my hand secretively behind the doctor and followed him with me.

I sat down on the evaluation table, Paul on the extra chair and the doctor on his fancy swirly chair. "So, John. What seems to be going on with you?" The doctor asked, grabbing a clipboard and pen. Don't fuckin tell him. Yer gonna get thrown away in a loony bin and never see Paul again. "Well sir, I-uhm, I have trouble, y'know because I hear voices - uhm, in me head." I said, staring at my hands. "What do the voices say John?" He asked. I looked up at him. He wasn't judging me, he was sincerely asking. No he's getting ready to call the loony bin. "Well, ugh-they tell me what to do a lot of the time, or y'know call me names and what not until I believe them. Sometimes they're so bad I can't focus on reality, y'know it's like I'm disconnected from real life. I dunno." I shrugged, realizing I had began to ramble. I looked over at Paul, who had a slight smile on his face. I assumed he was proud of me. He's not proud of you.