Against This World

Eleven

I don't know what time it was when I woke up screaming, drenched in a cold sweat. My body was shaking so violently, I felt it in the mattress.

"Jordan!" Joaquin yelled as he burst into the room. "Hey. It's alright." He came closer and wrapped an arm around my shoulder as I turned to sob into his chest.

"Every time I close my eyes, I see their faces. God, Olan never did anything to hurt anybody. And Marta was such a good person. They didn't deserve to die."

"I'm sorry. I wish it wasn't like this for you. You shouldn't have to live with this guilt. None of this is your fault. I don't care how many times you tell yourself that, it's not. You had no way of knowing the prick was still alive. I don't know what I can say to make this better for you." He ran his hand soothingly down my back.

"There's nothing you can say. I've just got to move past this in my own time."

"Well, I'll be here for you no matter how long it take-" He was cut off by Dr. Lee quickly opening the door.

I jumped out of his embrace.

"Cody's awake." She stared at us with wide eyes as if she'd seen something she hadn't.

For the first time since I'd heard the first gunshot the day before, I felt hope.

I wasted no time in rushing out the door to the room where Cody was staying.

He lifted his heavy lids to me when I walked through the door.

"Jordan?" He weakly asked.

"I'm here, buddy. I'm so happy you're awake." I moved quickly over to his bedside where I crouched down to get at eye level with him.

"What happened?"

"Don't worry about that right now. You just worry about getting stronger so I can take you back to see the other kids." I brushed my fingers through his hair and he nodded as he closed his eyes.

I sniffled as I walked back out to where Joaquin and Dr. Lee were standing. They hadn't seen me yet, and I hesitated on joining them when their conversation caught my attention.

"And you were holding her ever so lovingly because...?" Dr. Lee drug the sentence on as if she were expecting him to answer.

"I was comforting her, Regina. She's vulnerable and needs as much support as she can get right now." He replied in a hushed yell.

"You look me in the eye and tell me that there aren't feelings there." She demanded.

"I can't. For me at least. I don't know. My feelings towards her are... complicated to say the least."

"You're a pushover for her." There was a warmness in Dr. Lee's voice.

"That I am." He chuckled. "But she's already said she won't have me, and I couldn't possibly ask her again after what she's just gone through. Best I can do now is just be there for her."

To say I was shocked was an understatement. When I first came to the compound, yes, he did ask me to be his, but that was purely for his entertainment. To hear him say that he possibly had developed feelings for me was a surprise. At what point would that have happened? I had managed to keep away from him every opportunity I could.

I shuffled out, my feet making as much noise as possible to announce I was on my way.

"He's gone back to sleep." I announced as I wiped a tear from my cheek. "Thank you for telling me that he was awake, doctor."

"It's no problem. I've been up watching over him pretty much all night. We're not out of the woods yet, but it's a good sign. I'll let you know if there are any more changes." She smiled at me.

"Thank you." I nodded and she turned away to go back to her office.

"So, feel any better?" Joaquin crossed his arms in front of his chest.

I nodded. "Can we talk?" I saw a flash of worry wash over his face.

"Sure." He replied.

I reached out and grabbed his hand, pulling him to his office.

"Why haven't you told me?" I asked as I closed the door behind me.

"Told you what?" He looked confused.

"About your feelings for me?"

"Eavesdropping isn't very polite, Jordan." A blush crept across his cheeks briefly as he gave me a stern look.

"I never claimed to be polite. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I knew you didn't want anything to do with me. Let's face it, I'm probably old enough to be your father, or at the very least, your much older brother." 

It was true, he was probably somewhere around twenty years older than myself. His hair was streaked with gray and his beard was a distinguished salt and pepper mix, but in the end of the world, what the fuck is age other than a number?

  He continued his thought. "And I've seen how chummy you and Jasper have been lately. I didn't see any reason to say anything. Besides that, you've been avoiding me as much as possible. Don't think I haven't noticed, because I have. Despite that, though, I've watched you. I've seen how you take charge of the situation. I've seen the strength you have, and it's simply amazing."  

"Jasper is just a friend. One that I've only recently been able to call a friend. Before the run, he hardly spoke to me at all. And I wish I'd known about this before tonight. I wish I'd known before Tyler came back. Because now that all of that's happened, I can't think straight. My mind is flying in a million different directions and I don't know which way is up."

"I wish you hadn't heard us talking. Your life was fucked enough before. I'm sure this just adds another loop you have to work your way through. But I don't want you to worry about it. Forget anything was said on the subject. You just focus on you, Jordan. That's who's most important right now."

"That's not something that can be easily forgotten, Joaquin. I feel terrible because I don't have those same feelings for you."

"And I don't expect you to. I can't ask you to try to either." there was an uncomfortable silence that filled the air with a buzzing tension. "You should go. Try to get some rest." He reached over and opened the door, politely kicking me out of his office.

I nodded and slowly walked out of the room. "Goodnight Joaquin."

"Sweet dreams Jordan." He gave me a polite nod as he closed the door.

My stomach churned as I paced back and forth across his bedroom floor. My brain was foggy and I was restless.

After what I had just been through, I didn't even want to think about getting into a romantic thing with anybody, much less Joaquin. This huge bomb was accidentally dropped on me and I wasn't sure how to handle the situation.

It wasn't one that I could just easily drop and forget about.

But I had to make a decision. I couldn't stay there if Joaquin had feelings for me and I had no intention on giving him a chance. It wasn't right.

It was time for some serious soul searching.