Quick recap: Harry had a meltdown about something the readers are not yet privy to. Louis stepped in to care for him but his own worries plague him. Their relationship started to get better after a while, but they still have a lot to disclose.
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The silence was not unsettling, it was rather peaceful, a quaint feeling of simply existing and letting one's thoughts come to surface rather than forcing them out. Louis peered across the room, staring at the mosaic of art and paintings framed in dark wood. He was not refined enough to identify their value, but they did seem priceless. Tasteful, was one way to describe them.
The room offered a sense of safety; he could let his worries and anxieties surface, knowing they would be noted and acknowledged.
"That's a pretty painting," he said, eyes still roving over the fallen snow illustrated under the polishing oil.
"It is," Doctor Hugh said in agreement, "Do you like snow, Louis?"
"I do," he told the therapist, "I have always loved snow, and winters."
"What is about winters that pleases you?"
He shrugged, knowing that Doctor Hugh already knew the answer, she was merely waiting for him to reach the same conclusion as hers. "Everything is quiet, I guess. And it brings the holiday season."
"Do you look forward to the holidays, Louis?"
He shook his head, "Didn't get to celebrate them in the academy. I do look forward to them this year, though."
"And why is that?"
He smiled, "Because I get to celebrate it with Harry."
She nodded - folding her hands over her crossed knee - silently prompting him to go on.
"I've never had a proper Christmas, or New Year's," he shrugged again, glancing outside, it would snow soon. "Maybe I am building it up in my head, but I think I would like whatever I get to do this year."
"Do you believe you're building it up in your head?"
He hesitated, and then shook his head.
"When I asked you what about winters pleases you, you said it brings the holiday season, but you didn't always look forward to it," she said, giving Louis that final push, "What did you look forward to during the winters, Louis?"
"My birthday."
"Why?"
He confessed, swallowing, "Because it was another year closer to my freedom."
She nodded, a twitch of a smile to show she was proud, "This year is going to be different. You get to celebrate the holidays in a way you have always wanted - with someone who cares for you, loves you."
"Then why does it feel so constricting?" He whispered, angry over the sudden anxiousness building inside him. "Why am I not over the moon about it?"
She straightened her glasses with a single finger, "You will turn twenty this year. What you feel is loss; you are mourning the day your younger self had marked as possibly the most important day in your life. The conflict you face arises from that very same younger self's other want; to be accepted and loved, which you have been given. The loss and the joy, that's what making you feel constricting."
He clenched his eyes as a single tear escaped - born out of his inner self being stripped barren. It was true; he mourned for what could have been, for his lost childhood, for the love of a parent's, and he worried constantly for the repetition of the cycle. He could picture the holidays behind his closed eyes; the lazy mornings, the gifts, the soft kisses, the packed shopping streets - but then the image would distort and suddenly it was the one where Harry left him, returned him, rejected him.
The ache of that possibility could tear him apart.
"I worry- I fear someday I wouldn't be so shiny to him, that Harry would realise we are worlds apart. I can never be a typical submissive. And he says he doesn't want one who is, but what if someday he does? I can't be that person," he said, "We love each other, but I didn't even know he was adopted until a few weeks ago."
"The unfamiliarty worries you. From the first day you saw him as someone in control, whether you ascribed to your role or not, you knew he was someone absolutely familiar with their sense of self," Doctor Hugh explained, "But then you saw him break down. Unknowingly, he had become your pillar, you relied on him, followed him; watching him crumble left you adrift."
"Yes," he spoke shakily into his palms, rubbing tiredly at his face. "I-I want to be someone he can rely on as well."
"What makes you think he doesn't?"
He paused. "He hasn't told me what caused all this. It's been a long time."
"And does he know what plagues your thoughts? Of your worries and fears?"
Swallowing, he shook his head, a little unnerved by how easy it was to see him.
"He is your dominant, Louis, be it in a typical or atypical way. A dominant's role is to care for their submissive, to relieve their burdens. Sure, that role can be taken up by the submissive, too, on occasion - which you did perfectly. But now that the balance in your relationship has been restoring, it is time you let Harry take back that control. It is something you both need to return to that familiarity."
He pondered over her words. True, they were past the rocky terrain their relationship had stumbled upon, but he had not felt as if he had taken away Harry's control. He had been a shoulder to rely on - the thought gave him pause - he had been a shoulder to rely on.
He had wanted to be someone the dominant could rely on, and this whole time he had been that person. He looked up, no longer feeling a weight on his chest, and saw Doctor Hugh offer him a rare smile.
"He does rely on me," he spoke his revelation out loud.
She nodded, "He does."
"I've been worried for nothing."
"Not nothing," she raised her eyebrows, quick to correct, "Never dismiss your worries, Louis. They aren't for naught. They are born out of uncertainties and that is something you need to work on; open communication."
"I think - I think I'm ready to tell him how scary these past months have been for me, and that I feared losing him at one point."
"And if he is not ready to tell you what caused this?"
"Then I won't push," he said, "I will wait for when he's ready. But I want him to know that I trust him, that I rely on him, and that I'll be the pillar for him as long he needs me to."
There was a prideful glint sparkling in the doctor's eyes. "Very good, Louis. We made great progress today. I never want you to push aside your worries, and neither does your dominant, he knows what his title asks of him. And, I would like to give you an exercise," she pulled out a sheet from a drawer, handing it over before returning to her chair, smoothing her skirt as she sat.
He ran his gaze over the sheet, taking in the various questions.
"When you and Harry started this relationship, you went through a similar questionnaire, but that was about your kinks. This," she nodded to the paper, "is about your personal lives."
"A first date questionnaire?" He chuckled, embarrassed.
"Precisely. You worry about being unfamiliar with you dominant. I want you to go through this exercise and it will elevate your worry. You will either find out all the things you never knew about him, or you will find out how well you know him already."
Louis held the sheet to his chest, already feeling calm, knowing what this exercise would reveal.
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A/N: Finally have a clear vision for the progression of this fic. But the updates for this one would still be slow, sorry. Though, you can check out my other complete fic 'Falling Without Caution' on my profile!
Happy New Year to all!
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His Bad Boy (L.S. BDSM AU)
Fanfiction'Love never came in the simplest situations.' - Louis Tomlinson, a submissive unwilling to agree to the BDSM lifestyle for his own reasons. He has had the wrong impression about it for the most part of his life, but that was until his life was chang...
