If He Only Knew

I Know

I knew I had to talk to Jai pretty soon. He was mentally deteriorating more and more every day. I listened to his video diaries every night, even though it absolutely killed me to listen. He would say all sorts of nasty stuff about himself or he would talk about how much he wanted to die. I hated the fact the I caused this, but there was nothing I could do but try to help him. That meant I had to let him know I knew about him self-harming. It was not a conversation I was looking forward to.

Jai was actually in a pretty bad mood today. He had woken up a couple hours later than he usually did and looked like he had to physically drag himself out of bed. Jai had actually snapped at Beau first-thing this morning. Beau was only being his normal self. He wasn't trying to annoy Jai or anything, but Jai just went off on him. It was kind of scary to see, knowing that Jai rarely gets angry.

Beau had fortunately decided to just laugh it off. He had tried to hug Jai, probably hoping for a repeat of that day a few weeks ago, but Jai just shoved him away and told him not to touch him. It was kind of ridiculous to tell the truth, but at least I knew it was time to step in and do something about Jai's behavior. He was struggling and he was making it miserable for everyone else in the house as well.

"Jai." I tried getting his attention from where he lay on the couch. He didn't respond so I nudged his leg with my foot until he looked up at me. "C'mon. We're going for a walk. Right now!"

I knew I would have to be stern with him in order to get him to come with me. It was weird, but even with him in his worst mood I was the only one who could ever get through to him. I hate to think it, but it's probably just conditioning from the years of bullying I put him through. I was pretty terrible to him and there's now excuse in the world for that.

I didn't need to turn around to know that he was following closely behind me. I got to the door and gestured for him to walk out first. He gave me a questioning look, but I didn't respond to it. I put my hand on his back and guided him to start walking in the direction that I wanted to go.

"Where are we going, Luke!" Jai snarled, obviously frustrated at not knowing.

"You'll see soon enough." I answered. If he was trying to intimidate me, it didn't work. We were twins, so we could pretty much tell when the other was putting on a show. He was currently trying to act a lot tougher than he actually was.

I continued to lead him until we eventually ended up at the park 10 minutes away from our house. Jai was obviously pretty much confused. We hadn't been here in years. The last time we were here was the first time I started bullying him. I remember dunking his head repeatedly into a little pond that was hidden from most people that didn't know where to look. It was to this exact pond that I was taking him.

"Luke, this is..." Jai trailed off. He had obviously recognized by now where we were going.

"Yes, Jai. Where things started to get bad between us. I know, but right now we have a lot to talk about and I need you to listen to me." I told him. He looked scared and his hands started to shake in fear. I reached down and grabbed one of his hands, squeezing tightly before letting go. I knew he was scared, but I had to do this.

"Luke I want to go home now." Jai begged me while he gazed at the tiny pond. It was funny how small it looked in comparison to how it looked the last time we were here.

"You know we were only 8 years old when it happened." I breathed.

"Yeah, Luke. We were." Jai obviously just wanted to leave, but I wouldn't let him.

"I'm sorry about that now."

"What??" Jai's head snapped to look at me in confusion.

"I should have never done that to you. Trying to drown you as a joke, I mean. Or anything else I did to you since then. It was cruel of me and you didn't deserve it. But, I was just a kid. I was a bored kid that didn't know how much he was really hurting his brother."

"You...I don't understand." Jai's hands flew to his head as he crouched down into the grass with a single tear slipping down his face. I crouched down next to him and smiled sadly. I really did regret it.

"Let me explain then. I've never hated you, Jai. Mum and Beau were just so busy all of the time, so I got bored. After that day, I decided that being mean to you would be a good way to entertain myself. I realize now how wrong I was. I never knew how much I hurt you until it was too late, because now I know that I broke you."

"You didn't break me Luke."

"But I did." I admitted, running my fingers through his hair in a comforting way. "I made you feel like you had no one to turn to and I'll never forgive myself for that. Let me tell you something else, Jai."

"What?" Jai whispered.

"Sometimes, you never know you're hurting someone until you see the extent of the damage through their eyes."

"What does that even mean?" Jai asked me. I was referring to his video diaries, but he's in so much pain emotionally that I knew he wouldn't get it.

"It means I know something I wished I knew a lot sooner." I told him instead of just telling him what I knew. I reached down and picked up his right arm. His eyes widened as he realized what I was going to do.

"No! Don't!" Jai yelled as I forced his sleeve up. This was the second time I had actually seen it in full, but it still took my breathe away like it did the first time. Somehow, it looked like the damage he'd done was 10x worse than the first time. I looked up at his face to see his other hand covering his mouth with tears streaming silently down his face.

"It's ok Jai. I know and I won't let go this time."