If He Only Knew

Am I Crazy?

I found out that Jai has a pattern at night. Immediately after dinner he'll go in his room and make a video diary, then he'll come back out and act like he wasn't even gone. I've secretly been listening to each one Jai's made, and it's safe to say that some are darker than others. I think those are his bad days. The days when he wants December 2nd to arrive more than anything.

On those days, my heart ends up breaking more than ever. It takes everything in me not to run in his room and hug him tighter than I ever have before. But, I know I can't. At least not yet. I have to start being Jai's friend again. Plus, there's the fact that I never really hug him to begin with.

"Hey Jai-Jai!" I greeted my twin as I joined him on the couch.

"Hey Luke?" He looked very skeptical and I couldn't really blame him. I was never this nice to him.

"So, I was wondering if just the two of us could hang out tonight. We haven't exactly hung out together in years and I just thought that maybe we should." I explained. He simply gave me a fear-filled look and started playing with his sleeve.

"I don't know, Luke." Jai started. "This is probably a joke and I'm not exactly in the mood for it today."

"It's not a joke. I'll even let you punch me if I happen to mess this up." I reasoned with him. He still looked unsure about it all. "Please Jai!"

"Okay." He finally gave in.
-
We were currently in my room since Jai's is so messy. I had let Jai pick some movie I wasn't even paying attention to and couldn't bother to remember the name of. He was still a little reluctant, but he was slowly starting to relax and enjoy himself. I noticed he kept glancing at me every few minutes, but I decided to ignore it. He was obviously waiting for me to harass him in some way, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't tempted to. He was just so easy to tease!

"Luke?" Jai asked, lowering the volume of the movie and effectively snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Huh?" I was so lost in thought that he had surprised me.

"You don't really want me here, do you?" He asked, looking down. It took me a moment to register what he was saying, but he took my silence as a yes and started to leave.

"Wait!" I called. I shot my hand out to try to stop him. I ended up accidentally grabbing his wrist and it caused him to flinch. I hadn't even grabbed him that hard. In fact, I think I've punched him harder than that without him even batting an eye. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to grab you that hard."

"You didn't grab me hard at all." Jai avoided making eye contact and started playing with his sleeve again. That's when I realized I had probably grabbed his fresh cuts. I bit my tongue. I wanted to say something, but I knew that he wouldn't only react badly. We still weren't on the best of terms.

"Ok." I said instead. "Just stay. I just have a lot on my mind right now. I really did want to spend more time with you, though."

"I don't understand." Jai interrupted the silence a few minutes later. "If you're planning something just do it already. Nice Luke is scarier than Angry Luke."

"Do I actually scare you?" I asked mortified. I never wanted to make my younger twin afraid of me. That's the last thing I wanted to happen. To me it had always been harmless fun. Until it wasn't.

"Honestly, yes." Jai replied hesitantly. "You're just always so mean to me, and I don't know what I even did to make you hate me so much. I just don't like you being so nice because it makes me anxious. At least when you're angry, I know when it's coming."

"I don't hate you, Jai." I whispered to him. "I really don't. I don't want you to be afraid of me either. We're twins, so you do not need to be scared. And you could probably beat me up if we're being truthful."

"I would never hurt you, Luke."

"I wish I could say the same."

-
"Hey video diary, it's Jai again." I overheard my twin start his video.

"Today, Luke actually wanted to hang out with me for once. Scary? I know. Anyway, I still half-expect that it was all a joke. Luke's been acting extremely weird lately. He seems almost like he actually cares about me, but I know there's no way that could be possible. Am I crazy for wanting it to be true?"

"IT IS TRUE!" Was all I wanted to scream, but I kept silent. I couldn't risk him finding me eavesdropping.

"Luke almost found my scars today. He had grabbed my wrist to stop me from leaving and accidentally grabbed where all the cuts I made this morning were. I know it wasn't on purpose because he doesn't know I cut. He actually was really gentle when he grabbed my arm, to be honest."

'That's a first...' I mentally whispered to myself.

"That's a first. He was actually being so nice that I wanted to tell him everything, but I knew I couldn't. He would probably laugh in my face. Either that or he would be disgusted. I mean who would want a suicidal, self-harming identical twin brother with a possible eating disorder."

'I would!" I thought to myself. Although, my ears perked up at the 'possible eating disorder' part. I hadn't even thought of the possibility of Jai not eating. I really hoped I could gain his trust soon. My brother needed help and a lot of it, too.

"Lately, I've been getting nauseous by the smell of food. I just pretty much never want to eat. I think it might be a side-effect of being so depressed. If I'm not careful I can go a few days without eating, just because I forget about it."

I'm definitely keeping a better eye on his eating-habits from now on.

"December 2nd." Here Jai broke down crying. "It just needs to be December 2nd already. I'm so sick of living this way. Thanks for listening."

I silently crept back to my room. I think I made slight progress today, but I guess only time will tell.