In Love With My Mobster Best Friend (mxmxm)

EIGHTEEN: TORN

Just like that, hours passed. I cried, stopped crying and cried a bit more. When morning came, I was painfully aware when Jared awoke the next day and emerge from his room. I heard him pad down the corridor past my room in the spot that he had fucked a woman last night till kingdom came, down the steps to the first floor. I heard him loud and clear, just as I did last night.

I choked up with tears easily once more at the memories, but I swallowed them will pure will. I listened as Heath entered our home like clockwork. I waited, and I waited. I waited until I knew that they were just about to leave the house for work, before I pushed myself off the bed.

I decided, as I stared at the haunted eyes in the mirror reflecting back at me, that I was going to do this stupid thing.

As I descended the steps with my heavy, battered heart and my tired body, I managed to catch them before they stepped out of the house. Heath stopped as he took in my appearance, my fingers lingering on the rails of the stairs in case I needed to hold myself up. I couldn't crumble in front of Jared. I didn't want him to see me so weak. He already thought that I was disgusting.

I cleared my throat when Heath frowned at the look on my face. I tried to tidy up as much as I could before I came down. But there was only so much I could do for my swollen, red eyes.

Jared stilled, but he didn't turn to look back at me. I understand. He was too disgusted with me to even look. But I needed to do this. I needed to know if I needed to leave this home. I needed to know how badly damaged things were between Jared and I. Did I still stand a chance to stay his friend? Just a friend, I didn't dare to wish for anything more. I know that now.

I wasn't that foolish to think that Jared would be able to tolerate my unnatural feelings for him.

I took a deep breath and I went for it.

My voice was hoarse and scratchy, but I pushed myself to keep my voice calm as I spoke, "I told you I- liked you, and I tried to kiss you. I know you don't feel the same way towards me and I'm sorry I had to put you through that." I blurted, deciding that I didn't want to delay the inevitable with filler words that I don't mean. Besides, I needed to get this off my chest and get over with it as soon as I can. Dragging this out will only kill me even more. I didn't care that Heath was there, watching and listening to me as I dug my pathetic grave deeper.

Why would I care? He was there in the car when I tried to kiss Jared, and he was there when I was confessing my undying love for Jared. He gets to be here when I try to restore my friendship with lies.

Jared didn't move to look at me, but I could see his jaw tense as I spoke, "I get it." I remembered everything from last night as I spoke, "I'm not going to ever do it again." My voice broke a little as I spoke, and I hasten to make sure that I don't cry, "So, that's that. I'm over it." My voice went squeaky at the end, but I think I did well.

Lies. I lie so well, really well. I hope that Jared would take my words as I offer them. I hope he doesn't call me out on my lies. My chest stabbed painfully, enough for me to falter a bit where I stood and I gripped onto the railing tightly to make sure I wouldn't dissolve into a useless, sobbing mess.

Heath's eyes widen as he took a step towards me, "Coe?" His voice was gentle, and I wished it was Jared that was looking at me like Heath was. Like he still cared.

I lifted my hand to stop him, briefly noting that my fingers were quivering. I don't think I can keep it together if anyone gave me comfort right now. I needed to do this, all on my own. "I promise. That's the last you'll hear of any feelings I have for you. It's done, I'm over it." I let out a bitter, tired laugh, "I won't try to kiss you again, or do anything, or even talk about it ever again, I promise. It will never happen again. I'm done." I clenched my shaking hands into fists, digging my nails into my flesh.