Saving Sable

Chapter Twenty Three

•◇•
"I'm Turning Radioactive"
•

◇•

If Dawnclaw welcomed the darkness before, now she didn't care for it.

She cared for nothing at all.

As far as the dilute tortoiseshell molly was concerned, nothing mattered at all. She walked her tightrope alone.

She felt like her skin was in tatters, she felt like she was boneless. All that was left was an empty skull, and empty chest, and an empty heart. Where had everything gone? She had washed away.

The waves that had ceased into a gentle lull, lapping against her fur, was now a frenzied tempest, lashing and biting. The white water filled her mouth with the rough rasp of salt; it burned away her tongue.

Sharks were circling and she had surrendered herself to them. Their teeth grazed her sides; they didn't bite. They kept her writhing, a torturous dance, one where death was not an option. Only pain.

And Dawnclaw was consumed by it.

She know understood that before when she had been happy and floating was just the eye of the storm, and this time she was not getting out.

She raged and billowed, tumbled and dilated, a mere speck.

She was gone and he was gone.

Did anything really matter?

"And mix it together like this." Swiftear's voice had an odd quality, it echoed and flickered, like it was far away.

There was no reply.

"Well done, my poor beetle. Do you want to talk to Pinetuft?"

"No." Martenpaw's voice was almost inaudible.

"You have to talk to someone. You've experienced a lot, far more tragedy than a kit - well, apprentice should. Internalizing your feelings is dangerous, especially for a cat with a personality like yours. You need to talk - It's a shame Dawnclaw isn't here for you." He meowed. His voice was gentle, but his last sentence was venomous with accusatory.

I can't help it.

I can't help her either. Or any of them. If I had never had them, I would be a happy warrior with Pinetuft, investigating murders. I wouldn't have wasted what should've been the best part of my life on therapy, guilt, self-loathing, grief and bitterness. I should never have had those kits.

"Dawnclaw, open your mouth The ginger and barley grass will help you. The honey and lavender too."

Dawnclaw was unresponsive.

"Open up." Swiftear's tone was light.

Dawnclaw didn't feel light.

She closed her eyes. She just wanted to sleep.

She wanted Sablepaw.

It was too painful here.

She wanted StarClan.

She could join them. All she needed was deathberries.

She opened her eyes, her gaze sweeping the herb store, searching for those bright red berries. They reminded her of poppies.

"Don't even think about it. Martenpaw removed all dangerous items from the store. Face it, Dawnclaw. You need to give yourself time to heal, and need to be there for your three remaining kits."

Dawnclaw spat in defiance.

"Now look at you. You're a mess. You're not helping anyone this way. Eat this and sleep. When you awaken, you will get to your paws and you will find Martenpaw and talk to her. And then you can get yourself something from the fresh-kill pile, and sleep again. And then the next day, you'll do the same, but you'll speak to Coyotepaw. And then the next day, you'll repeat the process, but you'll talk to Meadowpaw and Pinetuft. And slowly, you'll gain motivation to hunt and to patrol, and eventually, you will be okay. " Swiftear ordered her.

The dilute molly gave nothing but a small nod.

He was right. She loved her kits, and they needed her.

She could do it.

She opened her mouth obediently, and he placed the poultice in front of her, which she lapped up quickly.

She winced at the taste, but at least it felt warm and energizing.

"If you told me when I was an apprentice that I would end up like this, I think I would've run. Fled to ElmClan, probably. Anything to avoid this fate. It's just so unfair." She said, her voice defeated and worn out.

Swiftear nodded.

"Can't say I don't know what you mean. I don't think I would mind too much if I just dropped dead. I'm old and tired, and I want to be young and for everything to be easy. But if things were easy, do you think we'd be satisfied? No. That's why I keep going. Because there is an apprentice who I must train, an apprentice that I must care for. I live on because happiness dances in the strangest of places, and we just have to make sure our flickering fire doesn't die before happiness can reignite us. Trust me, Dawnclaw. Things will get better. No one is happy at the moment. But we survive."

She nodded.

The words were just enough for Dawnclaw to breathe again.

Maybe she would find peace in the darkness, if she only accepted that it was over.

____________________________________

A/N:
This chapter was longer and better until I accidentally deleted it. Rip.

Fact Of The Chapter: Sablepaw wasn't originally supposed to die, but my friend suggested it and I just.
"Yesss"

Also. The next chapter is the most dramatic. And then after that there are two chapters, and it's over.

Literally. The next chapter. Final guesses for the murderer ?