Saving Sable

Chapter Sixteen

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"It's Slipping Through Your Fingers Like Sand"
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The dilute tortoiseshell's claws ticked against the ground, a nervous habit she had developed.

The truth was, confined spaces scared Dawnclaw, but it was no phobia.

And the medicine den was very small.

"And how did you feel?" Swiftear said quietly, gentleness easing his low voice. 

"I felt.. I don't know!" Sablekit's face was crumpled in frustration, and Swiftear hushed him calmly.

"It's okay to not understand your feelings. Were you angry? Sad? Scared? Happy?" Swiftear prompted. Dawnclaw listened attentively. 

Sablekit puzzled over this for a moment, and cast a fleeting glance at Dawnclaw. He looked back at Swiftear, and then to the ground.

"I was sad. I knew I was different, that something was missing. I watched the other kits a lot and realised I didn't love like they did. I didn't know what was right and what was wrong. And that made me scared and angry. I though I was a monster. I thought I was.. that word you said." His words were directed at Swiftear.

"An abnormality." Swiftear said quietly.

"Yeah, that. And then I was angry. I wanted to hurt the other kits. I wanted to hurt them in bad ways because I thought it was their fault that I was different. Then I wanted to hurt Dawnclaw and Pinetuft for the same reason." His voice was so matter of fact and calm, and a thought surfaced in Dawnclaw, so horrific that she almost gagged.

What if Sablekit had murdered Bearkit?

"Do you still want to hurt other cats?" Swiftear asked.

"No. I know it's wrong now. That's what I told Aquiver. She said that's good. But she's strange. It is good, right?" He asked, innocence intertwining in his mew.

Relief washed over Dawnclaw. Sablekit didn't do it. Unless he was lying...

"That's right. Hurting other cats is wrong, unless we're having a battle, and even then, we shouldn't kill, and try to avoid anything too serious." Swiftear replied. "Are you still sad?" He asked.

"Yes. I don't know why. I still feel sad a lot.  But I'm not afraid anymore. Now I understand that I'm sick. My head is sick. And all this talking helps my head get better."

Dawnclaw couldn't help but smile at his response. He really was getting better.

"But Swiftear, I'm still a little scared. I don't feel better yet. Not really. I still don't love anyone properly! I still think about doing some things that are bad, because I don't realise they're wrong!"  Sablekit's eyes were wide, and his body shifted slightly, so that he was as far away from Dawnclaw as he could be without it being obvious.

"That's okay. It takes some time. Being an apprentice soon will help you. You'll have responsibilities, and Aquiver says that it'll help you." Swiftear smiled at Dawnclaw.