Phan oneshots

Last Video

"Time of death called at 9:17 p.m." The doctor says solemnly, and in that one moment I feel as if my entire world is shattered into billions of pieces.

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                "I've decided I have to do this, make a last video to explain about Phil and other stuff. Pj should be coming soon, so I want to finish this before he gets here. It's been two long, painful

                Are there any puzzle lovers out there? Here's a great one for you- my heart. Even if all the people in the world attempted to mend it, it can't be fixed. I can't be fixed. Go on, I'd like to see you try your best.

                I knew it was going to happen eventually; after all, brain tumors like Phil's are always terminal within a few months of being discovered. So yeah, we knew but we couldn't do anything! I had to sit back and joke around with him as if nothing was wrong, like he was going to live forever!"

                I close my eyes to try to calm myself down, dam up the tears that threaten to spill over.

                "I just can't believe that he's gone forever. Phil isn't coming back, even if I do everything I can! He tried to act invincible, play the hero, but sometimes the bad guy has to win. The tumor, that villainous thing won this round. Phil didn't let it get him down, though. He stayed strong right up to the end. He didn't cry until his last day, unlike me who was almost constantly in tears.

                The day he died, he anxiously told me to 'never leave me here alone.'  I could see the nervousness in his eyes as I promised that I'd never let him go. Instantly it was as if all his mental walls fell and he cried himself to sleep in my arms.

                When he woke up, I thought he would deny everything that had just happened, but to my surprise he thanked me. I kinda didn't really do anything except sit with him for about an hour when he- he told me something I did not want to hear."

                 My cheeks feel wet for some reason. I hadn't even realized I was crying until now. I swiftly dry my face on my sleeves, even though I know my tears aren't going to stop anytime soon.

                "He told me that he knew it would be over soon, but I didn't want to believe it. I told him to close his eyes, rest a bit, that all would be fine when he woke up. He knew that the only thing that would hurt him would be his death, which he was ready to accept. Somehow he knew he wasn't going to wake up from his nap, no matter how hard I tried to convince both of us.

                He motioned for me to come closer, like he was going to tell me a secret. When he got close enough, he grabbed my head gently and pulled me forwards until he could peck me on the lips. That afternoon was the first and last time he told me that he loves me. Before I had a chance to respond, he fell asleep. Not even a minute later, his monitor flatlined. It was all over. He had come so far, only to be taken down by a stupid clump of mutated cells! How could God let this happen to me! It's not fair, that the one person I truly love was taken away from me like that! I honestly had convinced myself that Phil was going to get better soon! My life ended the instant his did"

                I let myself sob for a good minute before dragging my head up to finish Phil's and my story.

                "I never got to say goodbye. I never got to tell him that I love him. That's right everybody, I, Dan Howell, am gay. I love Phil Lester, the man who was the best friend I could ever have. Phil, I love you, and I never got to tell you! Sure, there were times when I almost confessed to you, and I know that you weren't naïve enough to not have noticed it, but I never made it official. You don't know how much I regret that now.

                Do you remember that one morning not too long after the tumor was found? Like all cancer patients, you had your good days and your bad days, and that was the worst up to that point.

                You woke up and turned to me with unseeing eyes that betrayed the level of pain I know you must have been feeling. In a strained voice you told me about all the fire surrounding us. You said it was going to swallow us all before too long. I guess that time is now. You said that all you could see, hear, and feel was fire, magnificent and inescapable as ever.

                That was the moment when everything really came into focus for us, wasn't it? Before that it was more of a nightmare, a vision that could be avoided. We realized that you really were going to die eventually, that I would truly be left alone on this earth. I guess everything just hurts more when you love the person going through their pain.

                I remember that my breath caught and the only thing I could see was you. I was going to tell you the truth then, you know? But then I chickened out. I simply walked to the kitchen and grabbed you the painkillers and a glass of water and then let you cuddle with me until the glorious relief from your world of pain. That was also I time that you knew I loved you, I hope. Now I get to join you, love."

                I grab the bottle and a half of sleeping pills and the glass of water that is sitting inconspicuously on the table and prepare myself. First I have to call PJ and apologize.

                "Dan? I'm about three minutes away from you. What do you need?" He asks.

                "PJ, I'm sorry. Don't forget to turn the camera off and post this. Goodnight." I say simply and hang up.

                "I've always thought that death is a bit like going to sleep, just without the whole waking up afterwards part. PJ will get the reference, now you do too. By the way, if you don't post the video I will come back and haunt you as a ghost llama. I'm sure Phil would love to help as a ghost lion. Alright? You know my password. I love you all for sticking by Phil and me through everything, but it's time to go. You need to let both of us go, knowing that we're happy again. Thanks."

                Slowly I start swallowing pills, smiling as I feel death coming.

                "I'm ready, Phil. I love you. Now we're safe and sound."

The silence that follows is deafening.