5:21 PM

crying with you

When you rang me at 2am a month later, your voice heavy and laced with tears, I did not know what to do. No one had ever confided in me, or looked at me as a shoulder to cry, so I was honestly clueless. I got you to breathe properly and count backwards from 10 four times, that was all I could do over the phone. I told you to come to my flat, where I could comfort you in person.

You knocked on my door about half an hour later. I opened it, revealing a pink blotched face and raw red eyes. Immediately I pulled you into a hug, a hug full of sympathy and heartfelt sorrow. My heart ached to see you in such pain.

I dragged you to the sofa, sat you down and closed the door. I didn't question what had made you feel so vulnerable and upset, I didn't want to pry.

I sat down next to you and pulled you into me, your head in the crook of my neck. The tears that fell from your eyes, rolled down my neck, the sensation awakening me from my sleepy stature.

'Hey, do you want some water or a cup of tea?' I asked.

You mumbled an incoherent noise and shook your head slightly. Your arms had now enveloped my chest. It was as if I was your lifeline, it seemed that if you let me go you would tumble through the dark and, trip and fall into a death like haze.

'It's okay, I am here and I won't be going anywhere soon okay,' I whispered softly to you.

My hands stroked your silky hair as salty tears seeped through my cotton t-shirt and dampened my chest. You were still breathing heavily as though the air was closing in on you, suffocating you.

You pulled away from me, rubbing your eyes with the sleeve of your stripy pyjama top. Reclining onto the sofa, you sighed, your breath trembling as you looked up to the ceiling.

'God, I am so sorry you have to see me like this. I just, I didn't know what to do, so I came here,' you muttered whilst running a hand through your damp hair.

'Hey it's fine, don't worry about me okay, just focus on yourself right now,' I replied.

You looked at me. Your eyes penetrating my soul with a warm embrace. Although your lips were pouted, pulled into a sad frown, your eyes lit up when I told you it was okay.

'No one has ever said that to me before, they always complain and tell me I should go and bother someone else,'

'But why would they do that?' I asked.

'People didn't like me back in Oxford, I hurt them and then cried on their shoulders expecting comfort,'

This shocked me, of course I would never have believed you would hurt someone. You were too pure, too kind, too good for this Earth.

'Can I ask what made you so upset?'

'My dad rang me.'

'And what did he tell you?'

'That my mum was in an accident,'

All of your short replies made me nervous, I felt sick and I just wanted to pull you into me and never ever let go.

'Bad news?' I asked.

'Very bad, he said that the doctors don't think it's very likely, very likely she will...' you burst into tears.

I did not need you to tell me the rest, I knew it already. And my heart broke for you. A sharp pain stabbed through my chest as you crawled towards me, tears streaming down your face once more.

'Oh come here, I know it feels like your world is crumbling around you and that life is a cruel shit show, but even though it is not okay, it is okay. I know we have only known each other for a month but I will be here for you no matter what,'

I left the words 'I love you'. I knew you wouldn't want to hear them, at least not so soon. They would have probably scared you, make your face twist into confusion.

'I just don't want my mum to die, I really don't want her to die.'

I did not know how to reply. You told me yourself that the doctors were concerned about her condition. I could not lie to you and say it would be all okay, but I also could not tell you the hard truth. So I said nothing at all.

'I feel so small and helpless.' you told me.

'I know the feeling,'

'You do?' you asked me.

'Yeah, a few years back someone really hurt my sister and I couldn't do anything to prevent or stop it, I felt so shit and guilty,'

'What happened?'

So I told you my greatest regret, the one thing in life that scarred my sister and made me feel immense guilt.

'We were out celebrating one of our friends 20th birthday in Newcastle. I wasn't drinking as it was my turn to be the responsible one. Then I noticed my sister had gone missing, I looked around for her and decided to check if she had gone outside for some air. She was outside, but she had a man all over her. She was screaming for help and I just stood there. Frozen. And I could've helped her, I should have helped her,'

'Hey, it's not your fault okay,' you whispered to me.

But your words of reassurance did not do anything.

'I could've have stopped my sister getting raped. I didn't help her and I'm sure she blames me.'

Tears trickled down my face. We were a mess, cursing fate and humanity whilst our eyes began to sting with salt.