The way you look at me // Tarjei Sandvik Moe

7

Just like i imagined i know no one here except Tarjei. He did say that Anna would be here but i have not seen her... maybe thats because i have not looked but not many people are here yet so i think i would've seen her if she was here.

Tarjei takes my hand in his and leads me into the kitchen where this Marlon guy that picked us up is chatting to David from my english class and couple of other girls. Tarjei grabs a beer can and hands me one "oh, no thanks. i don't drink" i kindly decline.

He greets his friends by "bro hugging" (i think its called haha) his guy friends and hugging the girls with one arm.. no, he didn't think it would be a good idea to but the beer down to hug them properly.

"are you going to introduce us to your girlfriend?" one of the girl asks and points at me with her head making Tarjei chuckle

"uuu this is Lilly, my special. friend" he smiles at me "Lilly, these are my friends. you've met Marlon and David, thats Lisa, Ina and Ulrikke" he points at each one " what do you mean by special friend?" Ulrikke asks looking at me weirdly

"oh its like when you dont know what to call her" David answers looking at us for approval "like, when their your friend but something is going on with you but not enough to call them your partner" i explains, Tarjei laughs and says something i dont understand, making the girls wink at me.

"Where are you from Lilly?" Ina asks, taking a sip of her beer. "Iceland" i smile.

oh god i'm so awkward and shy i hate myself.

"ooooh coool!" Lisa shouts, clearly she has had some drinks.

alot of people start to arrive now, making me panic a bit because i don't really like crowds. The music gets louder as people start talking and dancing. I tug at Tarjei's sleeve and ask him where the bathroom is "why? is everything alright?" i just shake my head in yes "i just need to pee really" i laugh. I hope he doesn't see though me, i dont want to ruin his fun. He walks out the kitchen and leads me to Marlon's bathroom.

its a big, traditional bathroom. tiled floor and walls, ugly bathtub with an awkward corner behind it, also made out of tiles.

i stare at my self in the mirror and tell myself not to cry

"you can stay here, this will be no problem. You will get out there and dance with Tarjei and have fun alright?" i repeat to myself in the mirror, trying to convince myself to stay.

It doesnt work and i feel that i need to go home.

i walk out the bathroom and start to search for Tarjei to tell him that i need to go.

finally i see him and he's.. wait, what?

I see him making out with another girl.

i feel tears stream down my face, i literally feel my hear shattering.

Ina lightly pokes him, making his head shoot up. He looks at me, realizing what he had done.

he pushes the girl away from him and starts walking towards me.

I really don't want to speak to him right now.

With tears blurring my vision i start to run towards the front door, accidentally bumping into Marlon who stops me to ask if i'm okay. Before i can answer Tarjei reaches to us and starts to explain and apologize.

i shake my head and walk out the building, Tarjei Follows me outside and grabs my hand, making me turn around.

"don't touch me!" i shout at him, yanking my hands from his grip. More and more tears start forming as i look at him. How can i not be mad? "can i please explain?" he interrupts the silence between us.

"no"

Not wanting to spend a minute longer with him i start to walk away towards my home.

If i stay, i'm afraid i'll forgive him.

Tarjei runs after me and calls my name so many times that it doesn't even sound like anything right now.

When i turn on a corner i look back at him, he's sitting on the stairs with his face in his hands and Marlon sitting next to him, probably trying to convince him that i just need some time.

And somehow i find myself thinking that its all my fault.

i shouldnt have panicked

i should have watched him

i should have been more sexy

but then again, i can't really control when i get anxious and i'm not a babysitter nor am i going to change who i am for him.

after some walking i finally get home, i open the door and see that my two cats are greeting me by the door and my mom standing in the door frame.

The smile she had on her face falls when she sees my swollen eyes and run down mascara from all the crying.

"oh my god Lilly! are you okay?" she rushes to me and hugs me "what happened?" she whispers, only making me start to cry again.

My dad comes by the door where we are standing and looks at me worried.

"aawh what happened sweety?" he takes my coat and my purse, then guides me into the living room.

i sit down and start to wipe the tears away to give me some time to think about what to tell them and what to leave out

"uuhm i met this boy.. Tarjei couple of weeks ago. We go to the same math class and he asked me to help me with his numbers cause he was far behind. anyway, we meet about 2 or 3 times outside of school when he asks me to this party, i go and actually have a great time dancing and meeting his friends and stuff.. then i need to pee. i get back and boom see him kissing another girl.. we were sort of a thing i guess" i leave out alot of the story.. not really wanting to tell them Tarjei was my first kiss.

my dad gets angry and goes on a rant about how he's going to hurt him just like he hurt me..

then i remember that Tarjei left his bag at my place..

i really dont want to see him yet..

maybe i'm overreacting, we werent a thing yet.. we just kissed but i liked him... alot...

and sill do.. i just know that if i see him too soon, i might forgive him before i actually want to.

boys don't really give me attention so when they do, i do anything for them not to loose interest in me...

yes. i'm desperate, i know.