Believe me when I say I'm not my gender

Chapter 14 - a new beginning

Authors note:

Let me try this again lol. Without publishing by accident, thank for the support this might be one of my stories I'd actually have completed. It's very hard to write and i've dedicated to a transgender best friend of mine who has my support and love through everything....so to my little brother. Whom I miss. I hope you all enjoy this..sorry if this chapter is a disappointment.

A woke up with a wave of nausea, vomitting on the hard , cold floor. An arm was around me in a few minutes . It kept me from falling into the mess below. " Sorry I forgot to wake you."  Marx, God was I pissed at him and yet....I wanted to punch and lash out at him. At that moment i wished my brother was the one holding back my long hair as he whispered to me it was okay. I hadn't been this sick since I had lost him two years ago. It was so fresh in my head. I pushed Marx away and pushed myself into a sitting position. " I want cade, I don't want you right now." Marx suddenly developed a hurt look in his eyes. God I always say stupid shit! Goddamn me. " I'm sorry....I didn't mean. " He put his hand on my shoulder , his other hand ruffled my hair. I let myself think about my brother...this time without the tears. I remembered our conversation about me getting into highschool , " kiddo remember we got your back, even if you get all D's we will get you there. You have to get out of this hellhole, make that person out of yourself. I want you to get into the best music school." I felt that tear fall again, I needed to let myself cry over him, the screaming stage was over. 

" i need to talk to you Marx, about my brother. " His eyes lifted to mine.

" it was two years ago tomorrow is his birthday. It's really gotten to me when I don't see him here i remember the day he died. When the police found him and put him on the gourney they covered him in front of me I remember every detail, there was a knife lodged in his stomach and chest. A nasty gaping wound from chest to stomach, I could see his innards. I couldn't imagine him dying in that way. The blood has managed to drain his whole body and blood was left covered the rest , his mouth was open in shock and a scream . The last thing he said was to do good in school and get into Music school. " I felt so choked up....

" I was in and out of therapy I have major PTSD, it plagues me every time I see blood or a knife. They had to strap me down and overdose me on morphine. I was in treatment centers, and tried medication. Eventually I attempted to kill myself 17 times. And those all times It made things worse.....sometimes my parents beat me to death after he died blaming me. the girl who killed him was pyschotic. In one of those ways that you can't explain. her eyes were that of a person who had lost all hope and would steal from someone else. she even tried to take my life she was jealous of me..she'd yell at me and tell me I needed to stop fucking cade......my own brother. He was my best friend...he wouldn't have done that....he didn't know much about her.....but the girl who killed him was the first woman he gave his heart to. She was absolutely beautiful when I meant her. She reminded me of a raven but she has split personality  and schizophrenia. One day she came over when my brother was teasing me to play guitar.....he was teaching me an old avenged sevenfold song. Then she got upset and took it out on him, throwing clothes, snow globes, cds, an stereo. she wouldn't stop. Finally she stomped off claiming he was a cheater. My brother kept taking her back and every time it got a little bit worse. I knew something was off about her. But when she was around my parents behaved and refused to hurt me or be drunk. My best girl friend hated me and my brother. My brother would hold her during a meltdown whispering into her hair that he loved her and not once did he not spend time with me at the end of the day. I want my brother back."  all my tears rolled off my cheeks. Marx brushed his thumb under my eye pulling me onto his lap. " Oh baby doll I'm sorry." I didn't realize it but Marx voice had gotten deeper, his touch was so gentle it made me wish it would stay forever this way. but us being in love is a society issue.  " Marx I love you too much, I just want things to be okay, but you know my parents and everyone might think its weird.....and I'm a girl with clinical depression and PTSD you can't possibly be happy with me." Marx  smacked me and gasped. " why did you do that?"

" knocking sense into your stupid ass, love has nothing to do with gender , gay , lesbian, society its all on us if you told me you loved me and you mean it fuck them all. the gay rights campaign upsets me sometimes because.....as much as i'm a guy I'm trans you don't see campaigns for us, you don't see support......can we get married and have it make sense? it might be harder on us....but you love me...and one day when I have more money i'll get something to prove that to you." He slipped a plastic 25 cent ring from the gas station machine onto my finger. " This is a promise that you'll always love me, through whatever happens next." I nodded between tears.  

" Promise." i laughed at how cheap and how much it meant to me. How it managed to fit i'd never know but the magic that I felt between us was strong. Marx leaned over me his mouth inches from mine, with a grin I pushed my lips to his , his eyes widened his shock. I kissed him like it was the last time. His body was pressed to mine, his lowered his head kissing the side of my neck. This was it meant to be in love , totally perfect with flaws and many conflicts.  His mouth felt ever so hot on mine it sent a chill down my spine , it felt deliciously cold.