Believe me when I say I'm not my gender

Chapter one - drop dead dysphoria

I managed to pull myself out of my bed. A long mirror sits upright facing me on the wall, today I'm dressed in femine clothes. My long hair hits the middle of my back. I want to weep and I know it seems like a small stupid matter but I'm not supposed to be a girl. i'm male on certain days I put on a baseball cap and try to tie my hair back. I'm not allowed to cut my hair and my family themselves are very strict. I'm not skinny exactly but not fat either. I like to wear black and sometimes i like to wear bright colors. i'm goth but it doesn't change my fascination for rainbows and little trinkets. One of my favorite pieces of jewelery is a necklace with a blood red stone in the middle around is a intricate celtic symbol passed down from generations before. i liked my irish blood line. In school everyone thought I was female it was just tempting to just yell ,"i'm one of you" when I saw the natural born males walking the halls in school. I felt so alone and i just wanted another person to explain my feelings to. I tucked my laptop into the flap of my backpack and tossed in a pair of jeans and boxers and an few ace bandages. School was freedom, I could be who I was really. I think my teachers thought i was going through a phase that will pass. " Madeline it's all in your head." Thats what I heard from a crotchey old jerk that taught my english class. we weren't exactly peacemakers . My opinions clashed with his he hated me. When I was allowed to be myself my name is Marx. I ran for the bus thinking I was late. A piece of wadded up paper was tossed at me. " Hey maddy still think your a boy?' I lowered my head, don't let it get to you. A girl with long blond hair and red highlights grinned at me. " they're like that you know? if they were going to change it would have happpend once puberty hit. Sit next to me. " I felt akward but happy. I slide in next to her dropping my backpack in the empty space between us. " They give me a hard time to. I always have my nose in a book so when I'm not reading they expect me to be a certain person. I believe this world judges before they get a chance to know the person we really are. " The bus driver turned on the long corner , she tucked her blond hair behind her ear. She was stunning and she had the deepest shade of hazel eyes. She wore converse and skinny jeans with holes down the center of the legs. Stone washed I had assumed. She wore bracelets with band names on them i'd probably never listen to. I was a rock person not a metal head type. " oh I forgot to introduce myself.  My name is Alia and yours?" My thumbs began to twiddle in my lap. Shit! i look female so what do I say? tell her I'm trans? hell no. but if you tell her your birth name ..... " It's ummm Maddy." She shook my hand. " Pretty name. Very beautiful." yay dysphoria. It was already overwhelming enough and I could feel the worst time of the month ready to suspend my logic into irrational reasoning. I hated my life.