I Thought You Were Different: Part 4

Peace

There was no memorial service; no large outpouring of support from your team, and no words of remembrance spoken. The only people allowed at this final moment with Maggie were you, Steve, and Tony. Your trio refused to come along, not wanting this memory of their baby sister to be the last that they had. You didn't argue, and you understood; it made a strange sense to you that it would be just the three of you here, and that was enough if not almost too many. Of course, as a part of Earth's Mightiest Heroes, when one of them fell or became victim to trauma or sorrow, the media felt the right to push themselves into your life without regard to your feelings. Ever the vigilant guardian, just as he had done after your accident, Vision stood strong at a far periphery of the small cemetery, casting a hazy field around you so that their prying eyes couldn't see the private moment.

You had cried so much that there just wasn't anything left. Now, as you stared blankly at the damp and cold ground that would hold her instead of in your own arms, your eyes burned with the pain of dryness and desperation for even just one of the tears that you had given up on. Nothing was going to make this hurt any less so wasting tears felt pointless now. Someone was holding your hand, but honestly, you weren't sure who; the skin against yours was too rough to be Tony's, but Steve had been keeping his distance over the past few days so it was unlikely that he would step up now. Tony had been just as much of a mess as Steve, if not more; at first it seemed as if he were handling this the best of all of you, but when he showed up today with a clumsy stumble in his step and just the hint of a slur in his speech, you weren't sure who to be more concerned for. Ultimately forcing yourself to turn away from the sight of the hollow ground that matched your heart, you were shocked at who you found to be next to you.

"Steve?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I haven't been here for you these past couple of days, or for the kids. I've been really lost and I just don't..." he paused, sucking in a pained breath, "I don't understand."

"Some things aren't meant to be understood," you nodded reluctantly, working diligently to keep your eyes on him. "Some things just happen. We did everything we could."

"You did everything right," he agreed readily, finally looking back. "She was so lucky to have you as her mom, (Y/N). They all are. I'm so thankful that the triplets are okay, you know? I'm thankful that I didn't do this to them too."

"Steve..."

"Um, listen," he continued, dropping his voice to nearly a whisper, "after we're done here, I think I'm going to go out to the house for a while, back in Brooklyn. I need a few days to get my head on straight, and I can't do that at the compound, it's just too much there."

"Okay, I understand."

When he didn't get the answer that he was expecting, he turned his body fully towards you, and you could see the tension beginning to leave his shoulders as he exhaled the worry away heavily. He needed the time to work though this, and to get back to the husband and father you all deserved, but he didn't think that you'd so readily just let him go when there was so much pain happening within your little family. He didn't think that you would let him leave you behind so easily. "Wait, you do? You're not mad? Why aren't you yelling at me? Buck said that I'm being a chickenshit but you're just okay with it?"

"If taking a few days away is what you need to realize that this wasn't your fault, then of course I want you to go, Steve. You just need to promise me that you're not going to do anything stupid. And...that you'll come back to us."

"I promise." He wanted to lean down to kiss you, and to feel anything to remind him of how things used to be not so long ago; he wanted so much to feel normalcy and to make this unrelenting pain go away, but he knew that it would never be enough. Steve turned back towards the ground in front of him at the sounds of shoveled earth being tossed atop the small casket with a tight gasp that grabbed his chest and caught his breath in his throat. This was it. This was the last moment, and he wanted to be anywhere but here. He could feel his panic starting again; it was the same panic that held him tight to the wall that day in her hospital room, leaving him mute and immobile. He tried to pull away from your hand and run in any direction to find air, but you wouldn't release him.