I Thought You Were Different: Part 4

Weight

There's no weight to her, Steve thought to himself, sitting alone in a darkened nursery with a bundled Maggie in his hands. There were no excuses anymore, with no tubes to disturb now, and nothing for him to worry about making worse; nothing would ever be worse than this. He wouldn't have been able to make the decision that Tony had made for him, even being her own father who should have been there to protect her and should have been the one to do it. He had failed her from the start, and in the end it was no different. He hadn't even held her until now, and she had never known that he had always been at her side. Tony had been more of a father to her than he was, and the idea broke him beyond the point where he had thought to be his limit.

"I'm sorry, baby," he whispered to her, bringing her up to his chest. She smelled of a fresh, warm blanket and baby powder, making the experience so much more painful to him. But it was what he deserved, he fully believed, to have his mind play the cruel joke of thinking that she was still alive in his hands, when in reality, he had lost the chance to have that moment forever. He had lost that chance all because he was too scared; he who could take on the most dangerous threat without the bat of an eye, was scared of something so tiny and so beautiful and it made him sick to his stomach. It made him ashamed of himself, and he didn't know how he would bring himself to face you after this.

~~~

"Sweetheart? (Y/N)?" Tony called out to you softly, sitting in the chair next to your bed, though unsure if he should attempt to touch you or not. "Honey, talk to me." He reached out and his tremulous hand hovered just above yours, but he wouldn't make the connection; or rather, maybe he couldn't. In his mind flowed the relentless sounds of his own voice, echoing within him at a crushing decibel, telling the doctors to stop over and over and over until he thought that it would be what finally drove him mad. With how he was feeling right now, a bit of insanity would be welcome compared to this.

You had been staring blankly ahead for hours, days, or maybe years for all you had known; time was at a standstill and the world around you had been muted against the thoughts barraging your mind, and none of them were anything good. Your senses were filled with the memories of blaring alarms and a flurry of faceless voices surrounding you, asking you to step away from your daughter until you were forced back. The sounds filling your thoughts were deafening and though you had some awareness that Tony was next to you, up until now he had remained silent despite not knowing that you wouldn't have heard him anyway. "Where is he?" you finally mumbled, making Tony sit up just a bit straighter at the sound of your voice finally awakening.

"He's in the nursery."

"I need Steve."

"Right," he stood quickly, "I'll get him. Just hang on-" he stopped abruptly, responding with wide eyes when you grabbed his arm to hold him back. "What's wrong?"

"Don't leave me alone, Dad. I can't trust myself to be alone."

"Okay, okay, I'm staying right here," he reassured readily, taking his seat again, but this time he kept a tight grip on your hand; he tried to draw your gaze to him, but you continued to stare ahead and at nothing. "I'll stay here as long as you need me, don't worry." He raised his free arm, his phone in hand, tapping out a quick message for someone else to get Steve for you. "I've got Bucky going to get him. He should be here soon."

"Tell him to bring her here."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"No," you answered, so quietly that your voice was nearly silent, "but how much worse can this get?"

~~~

"Holy shit, Sam, I have no idea what to do right now," Wade sighed, leaning back in the waiting room chair with his eyes tightly closed. "I want to go talk to her, but I feel like I have no business in there. This is...this is unbelievable." He shifted in his chair uncomfortably, finally tipping forward to rest his forehead on the table with a loud thud against the wood. After a few minutes of silence, a quiet whimper escaped his throat, but it didn't escape Sam's hearing.