dear self | soukoku

12 | suicidal heart

a/n:
this is a sad chapter
you have been warned

----

Dear Self,

It's been a couple of days since...well...the incident.

I still can't believe I did that. What was I thinking?

It was like my hand had a mind of its own.

Also, Chuuya hasn't talked to me.

Oh my god.

Did I ruin everything?

He probably hates me now. Well, even more than he already did.

I wanted to fix everything. I wanted to be friends with him again.

I hate myself.

No, I loathe myself.

Why do I ruin everything?

I haven't gotten flowers for Chuuya in a while. Maybe he's getting suspicious.

I'm not really in the mood to do anything today.

I just want to die.

//

Looks like I'm writing a lot today.

I've been receiving calls from everyone at the Detective Agency. Probably since I haven't come to work since the 27th.

I haven't been answering any calls.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

The repetitive sound was starting to annoy me, so I picked up the phone.

"Hello? Dazai?" Atsushi said, worried.

"Hey."

"Where have you been?! Everyone so worried!"

"Stop calling me."

I hung up the phone.

No calls.

//

I've been sitting in my bed all thinking about why I did what I did.

Do I have feelings for Chuuya? Or maybe I just felt pity for him. Yeah, that's it.

He looked pretty scared on the ride. I had to take action.

Still, it backfired.

Not sure what to do now. Chuuya made my life more enjoyable.

//

That feeling is coming back.

That feeling of utter emptiness and pain.

That feeling of wanting to die.

When Chuuya came back into my life, he sorta washed away that feeling.

But it's back.

And more persistent than ever.

Sincerely,
Depressed Dazai