(I was listening to Love Me Dead by Ludo and Killer by The Ready Set about the whole time I wrote this while being forced to watch a basketball game. In case you don't know, I hate sports with a burning passion. I don't even care what you say or think about that. FYI, this might get dark, deep, or whatever you want to call it.)
The room is full of people; all of which are screaming Bloody Mary. A basketball game is in the progress. I've never been amused by people running around, trying to get the basketball in the hoop, nor have I ever wanted to play, disregarding everyone's protests on me (5'8, almost everyone playing being slightly shorter) not playing.
I used to like cheerleading. Now I despise it more than basketball. I'm not that feminist who hates it because it's "demoting to women." I hate my voice. I hate myself in skirts. I hate how peppy and positive you have to be. I'm not exactly a peppy, positive girl. I've never really told anyone (including my parents) that I'm suffering with a little bit of self hate, so I'm expected to be that overly-happy, sunshine-rainbows, always-stay-positive type of person.
I have no one; I'm utterly alone. I'm a nobody trapped in a world of somebodies. They have talent; they're likable; they're somebodies. I'm worthless, unwanted; people barely know I exist; I'm a nobody. That's all I'll ever be, because that's all I've ever known myself to be.
Hated until I bend. Thrown down until I break. Not just by people around me but by myself.
I've always been in the corner, away from people and hiding the tears that break free. I don't like people to see the tears that I shed, the fear that I show, the hate that I give myself.
Writing has always been my escape. A song, one that matches my emotion, playing in the background while every word flows onto paper. This made everyone believe that I like to write stories, so they'd tell me I'm good at it, even though they've never read something I've written. I must have tricked myself into thinking the same thing - that I'm good at writing. I tricked myself into thinking that I could actually be good that something - anything. Even so, I discovered it as my happy place.
I don't like to write because I like to "play God" or anything like that, if that's what you think.
I write because no one listens.
