starlit skies | ✓

before love

FIVE

The boy with the red solo cup was not the boy in all black. They were both boys, and at one point, I said the I-Love-You to both of them.

I needed to move on and there was no easy way to do it. To say the I love You to the boy with tawny hair and hazel eyes meant regretting loving you.

The night I walked away from you was the night I gave up on you. I worked my way out of heartbreak and some nights I had to ask even when I would be the most likely candidate to give a reply.

"Dan Howell, he's a YouTuber, right?"

I did know who you were. I didn't know what you were to me, though.

You weren't a friend when we hadn't talked in ages. You weren't an enemy because I could never get mad at you. You weren't a crush when I hadn't checked any of your social medias in an eternity.

I just had to wait and see what fate had in store for us.

* * *

Before we fought, before we loved, we tried a new shot at friendship. It didn't work out and we tried to love not only each other but ourselves as well.

I talked to your brother, to your lover.

Loving you had always been Phil's forte, whether platonic or not.

You brother insisted that you were still hung up on me, that I was his guiding light. Adrian told me that you thought rationally after five years of moving on. The wounds have healed, but the scars were fresh.

I went about the second half of my day talking to your closest friend about you.

"I know it will never be simple because love is unrelenting and unforgiving. Isn't love worth it, though?"

I apologized profusely on behalf of my stupid fickle heart for falling in love with you. He was always meant to fall in love with you, and I threw a wrench into destiny.