Crazy

#16

02/24/2017

One of the best mornings I've had in a while.

I woke up with a smile on my face only to be replaced with a frown when I didn't see her beside me.

I groggily stood up to go out of the bedroom and look for her.

My heart thumped when I saw her all dressed up already but cooking in my kitchen. It was a nice sight. I could imagine her cooking breakfast for me or me cooking meals for her. Everyday.

But I washed that thought away. That was an absurd thought. Too soon.

My heart was telling my brain to stop with the imagination because I wasn't ready. But my brain was arguing, I was. Or was it the other way around?

All I knew was that my brain and my heart did not share the same view and that told me I wasn't ready to fall in love again. Have I even fallen out of love of Den already?

I wanted to say yes. I wanted to move on. I did, right?  And yet, I couldn't throw away what Den and I had. But at the same time, I wanted to share something more with Mika.

More questions started to form in my head the longer I thought about it.

Why couldn't I let Den go completely? Was it because I'm still in love with her and we've only broken up for a month? Or did I just not want to set aside what we had because it lasted three years and a half? Was I just holding on to her because I didn't want that time to go to waste? Or was I really still completely and hopelessly in love with her? If I was, then why would Mika's presence in my life make me doubt that? Shouldn't I be sure?

Why did I want to share something more with Mika? What was more? More physical affection? More time? More memories? Or more in terms of relationship? Did I want us to be more than friends? Whatever that more was, did I want it because I truly felt something for Mika? Or did I want to feel something for Mika because I wanted to move on from Den?

I ended up going in circles because the next question was did I even want to move on from Den?

I groaned. I did not want to think about it. Not at all.

Mika turned to me when she probably heard me.

"Good morning, Babe," she greeted me warmly when she saw me.

I couldn't help but smile back. "Good morning."

I remembered what Mika said. 'Live one day at a time.' That was what I was gonna do. I wouldn't think of the future, wouldn't think of the past.

I wouldn't think. I would leave everything to my heart. Because even if it ends up making all the wrong decisions, at least I know it would be real.

"Want a good morning kiss?" she asked with a wink that broke through my thoughts and made me blush.

The answer to that was the first decision made purely by my heart. So what the hell, I nodded.

"I'm just gonna wash up first though."

I hurriedly went to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. She was almost done cooking and I stood behind her and peeked over her shoulder to see if I was right that she was cooking egg and spam. I was.

She turned to me and put a hand at my nape and pulled me for a sweet, lingering good morning kiss.

"Good morning," she beamed again.