TAMPONS | PHAN

five; april

"The thing is Dan, I want to, I want to get to know you. Godammit, I want to know every little thing about you, I want my head stuffed so full of little facts about you that I don't have room for anything else. Sometimes I wonder if-"

"James," said Dan cutting across Phil.

"What?"

"My middle name is James, and my first name is Daniel." Dan added and Phil grinned widely. "But..." Dan said holding up a finger, "I want to get to know you too." Dan stared at Phil earnestly. "So a question for a question?"

"Alright." agreed Phil and pulled off his jumper. Dan tried not to stare at the pale patch of skin that was momentarily exposed as Phil's t-shirt was pulled upwards. He averted his eyes as Phil pulled down his shirt and spread his jumper over the rock.

"Sit." Phil commanded and Dan plopped down on the makeshift blanket. Phil followed suit, then said, "Philip Michael."

"Hmm... I like it," said Dan repeating the phrase over in his head.

"What's your favourite colour?" demanded Phil and Dan shrugged. It was such a question that one immediately knows the answer to at a younger age, and as they grow older forget due to the lack of it being asked.

"I wear black mostly..."

"It's a shade," interjected Phil and Dan rolled his eyes.

"Let me finish leaf," he reprimanded. "As I was saying, I wear black mostly, but I'm rather fond of blue. Really pale blue. And you?" 

"It's a little generic, but blue and green."

"It's not boring. I think those colours suit you," said Dan and Phil laughed.

"I wish I could say the same... but I can't imagine you in blue," said Phil snickering at the thought.

"My Mum used to say the same thing," announced Dan and Phil's smile vanished.

"Used to?" he asked and Dan stared at the stony ground of the cliff, running his hand over the rough surface.

"She died when I was twelve." Dan answered and he felt Phil's arm snake around his shoulders giving him a quick side hug. 

"I'm sorry."

"It's been six years, I'm tired of hearing people say they're sorry. She wasn't sorry, she left us , she chose to let us go... she..." Dan was embarrassed to find that his voice had risen in his fury. "We weren't enough for her and she killed herself for it," Dan choked out, tears springing to his eyes. 

He hadn't cried about her death since he was twelve and his Dad found him standing on edge of the bridge she had jumped off, soaked to the bone and fully prepared to repeat the deed himself. His Dad had pulled Dan off the railing and gathered him in his arms. 'I know... I know I wanted to do it too. We have to stay strong for each other,' he had said, while Dan sobbed, loud and ugly.

But now Dan's throat burned, hot tears leaving streaks down his cheeks. He allowed Phil to take his head in his arms, as he sobbed. Tears and snot soaked into Phil's shirt. 

"Shhh... it'll be okay..." muttered Phil running his hands through Dan's hair. Dan allowed Phil to run his hands over his hair, his back, his arms... It was soothing, Dan's skin felt like it was alight, electric. He had never felt anything like this before. 

When Dan's tears had subsided, he lifted his head from Phil's shoulder. "I-I'm sorry." stammered Dan looking away from Phil who clucked his tongue. 

"One should never apologise for feeling," said Phil and Dan blushed.

"Distract me." he muttered and Phil was silent.