Suicidal Pain

fall

I can feel myself slipping, falling deeper and deeper into a pit of depression and suicidal thoughts. Nothing hurts more than to feel this way despite knowing you've made people cry because you've tried to take your own life in the past.

The worst part about it is that I'm constantly being told to contact them when I'm feeling this way, but I'm too scared too. I don't know how I would even begin to explain why I'm feeling like this, or even what I'm feeling at all. I know they care about me and would never judge me for what it is I'm feeling, but I part of me won't believe that.

Whenever I feel this way, I reach for my phone in a desperate need to talk to someone, anyone, but when I do...I can never do it.

I always scroll through my contacts and look for the person I want to talk to or the people I want to talk to but everytime I see their name on that screen, I freeze. I hear a thought in the back of my head that always says "Don't do it, they won't understand. They'll hate you for putting them through this, just like she did."

No, no she doesn't hate me she said so herself, but in my head all I ever hear in reply is "she said she was scared of you and that's even worse than the hate she most likely hides. You don't want that from them do you?"

I try, as hard as I can, to shake these thoughts. I try and run away from it all but I can never escape it because it's all in my head. It's all in my disfunctional head.

I run, like really run, I get as far away from home as I could possibly make it. Just run and get away, I'd tell myself. And I sometimes think I finally have outrun the dangerous thought I can never get away from. But sooner or later he come right back. And they come with so much force from trying to catch up that I can barley stand on my own. They come back hard and try to knock me down, and sometimes they do. Sometimes I stay on the ground, curled up in a ball with tears threatening to escape as I wonder "where did I go wrong?"

But I didn't go wrong

If I had I never would've met my amazing friends thay I love more than I love myself

And as I think that last though, I pick myself up, dust off a little bit, and run back home where I belong. Ready to get back at it again.

Patiently waiting for the next time I fall so low, into the dark and twisted grave I'm digging for myself. Then repeat the cycle before it's too late.